Lessons from the Fat Girl

Today, I want to talk to you about loving the person that you are – right now. Not the person you used to be, the person you wish you were or the person you hope to become someday.

This has been on my heart for so long because of my own struggles with loving the woman that I am – in this very moment. Every time I would start to write, I let myself get bogged down in history or someone else’s story and be distracted from sharing the truth we all need to hear and to learn to live. 

Since I was a young girl, I struggled with feeling “fat”- and all the pain that comes with that view of one’s self. There was a strange double standard in my childhood home. On the one side my parents emphasized the beauty of the spirit, the importance of character and the strength of faith in a God who loves us just as we are.

On the other side, I was the daughter of a woman who had experienced the pain of appearance focused verbal abuse that left her nursing her own wounds, fearful that her child might suffer the same. Her desire to protect me from experiencing such pain led her to focus on my perceived outward shortcomings despite her desire that I be a woman whose inner beauty transcended my outer appearance.  To add to my insecurity, I grew up with petite sisters whose slender frames frequently left me feeling like the proverbial “bull in a china shop”.

Me with my tiny sisters (seriously, they were kids!) and the haircut that inspired my friend Dan to name me the “Mushroom cloud” 

Thankfully, I also took to heart my parents, teachers and spiritual guides’ lessons to focus on my inner life. I truly grew in all the best ways thanks to their care, advice and love. I know those influences contributed to a strong inner wisdom I now possess.  I am grateful for them to this day.

But, the other – perhaps unconscious influence of my (well-meaning) mom’s and society’s concern with outer beauty did not leave me unscathed. I never fit into my petite sisters’ clothing (even at my smallest) and constantly felt the pain of being the “big” sister in my family of tiny, beautiful women. When I was in high school, my mom helped me sign up for Weight Watcher’s and told me she’d pay for a new wardrobe if I met my goal weight. My husband always expresses horror at the thought that I carried a WW’s cup to high school every day.

I have no intention of sharing my thoughts about the program. But I will say that that was probably one of my life’s low points in terms of my opinion of my physical self. As a high school kid, I ate normally during the week and then skipped meals for a day before weigh in. I lost the 15 pounds I (maybe) needed to lose and fantasized about losing more. You see, even after I got down to my goal weight, I still didn’t fit in my sisters’ clothes – because we aren’t the same body type! But no one mentioned that to me. Talk about image disorder….

Yep. Definitely the “fat” chick (?????!) 

I sometimes wonder how differently I’d have seen myself if either of my parents had ever said to me, “Sweetheart, you’re beautiful just the way you are” and refused to let me go to Weight Watchers. I wonder how I would have felt if my mom had bought that new wardrobe for me – at the size I already was. Yet, I don’t blame them or feel angry over that. They did what most loving parents do – their best – and I love them for it. (But, you can bet that Robert and I have a completely different approach with our kids!)

Thankfully, around the same time, someone lent me a book about health. I refocused my attention to learning about nourishing foods, exercise and being a healthy vs. just a thin person. By the time I was old enough to move out, I had a completely different outlook on what it meant to be healthy and spent my spare time doing active things I loved like hiking, running, doing martial arts – while eating great food that strengthened me. Oddly enough, I gained weight (muscle!) but I’d never looked or felt better.

Ironically, while I was technically healthier, those doubts about appearance and the tendency to always compare myself to thinner girls haunted me. Saddest of all, those early influences were so ingrained, I couldn’t really believe the words of my love, Robert, who always encouraged me to be happy with me as I was.

Me – wishing I’d worked a little harder to get ‘into shape’ before the wedding

Fast forward 15 years – to me – in my 30’s and you’d see the same girl filled with the same strange mixture of strength and insecurity. In a short span of time, I graduated from college (heard of the freshman 15?), I watched my brother, my mom and dad all die from cancer and had two babies. Guess what? A lot of my healthier exercise habits fell by the wayside as I simply tried to survive the pain of grief and the overwhelming responsibility of being a new parent while trying to wrap up my parents’ small estate. Small surprise I gained enough weight to be genuinely called overweight.

Me today with one of my beloved little sisters! 

I felt terrible about myself and often looked back wistfully at the figure I’d had 15 years before (you know, the one I’d always thought was fat!), wondering what happened and castigating myself for “letting myself go”. It didn’t help that the very last conversation my mother had with me wasn’t one in which she told me how much she would miss me. Instead, it was about the fact that I’d gained so much weight (this was months after giving birth to my first child!). In all fairness, she was showing her concern for me – but regardless, I felt crushed by our last conversation for years.

But something has happened to me in the last few years – as I began to pay attention to the way I “talk down” to myself. I realized that all those years I felt badly about me, I wasn’t even fat! As I searched for pics of me from high school, looking “chubby”, I couldn’t find any. (I found plenty of poor fashion choices, haha!) I wasted all that time focusing on something that didn’t exist. More importantly, I missed the fact that I was allowing a shallow view of me to interfere with my enjoyment of a huge period of my life.

I wonder how many of you have done the same?

I was waiting till I reached my flawed image of perfection to enjoy life. How crazy is that? Punishing myself until I reached a fantasy image of me.

I am not alone in this. I have been listening more closely to the way other people (often women) express their own feelings about themselves.  Everywhere I go, grocery store, hiking trail, church or vocal gig, people are obsessed with appearance.

“Saw Sally today. Wow, she’s really packed on the pounds!”

“Have you seen Ralph lately? He looks great – has lost a ton of weight.”

“My weight loss secret? I weigh myself EVERY day!!” (hmmm…wonder if that person measures her spirit as frequently?)

I’ve listened to friends pour their hearts out (often weeping!) over their battles to feel get thinner so they can better about themselves, based solely on their appearance. They’ve noticed the shallow, unkind words, looks, inferences of others and taken them to heart. Their appearance guides their feelings about themselves and their ability to enjoy their lives in the moment.

As I’ve listened, I’ve realized that I do not share these women’s feeling of disgust at their appearance. After all, many of them are friends. I see their accomplishments – several have earned Ph.D’s, some are writers, musicians, doctors, teachers, grandmothers, mothers and more. The strength of their characters, the depth of their love, the wisdom of their counsel, the power of their friendship has inspired me, encouraged me and brought me joy.

When I look at them, I don’t think – “Yes. Definitely fat.”

Nope. I see them for who they really are. I know what they mean to their families, friends, to me! Knowing them allows me to see the light in them that transcends and even beautifies their faces and bodies, round or not.

Their appearance is merely a small part of the total sum that makes these women who they are. Figuring this out has felt like small explosions going off in my brain, helping me to re-wire the way I see the world, and the way I see myself.

Before, I winced when I looked in the mirror. That girl in the mirror was broken and I would not be satisfied till she looked like my fantasy image of her.

Now, the eyes of the woman who looks back at me glimmer with a sort of inner fire. She says,

“I am so much more than you can see in this mirror.”

“My love for others, the wisdom I’ve gained through life, my accomplishments, my ability to nurture, my strength, the friend that I am, the integrity that guides my life and my faith (which has certainly been tested) all make me who I am at this moment.” 

“I have faced death and lived. Now, I refuse to be relegated to what you can see. I am so much more than that and I deserve to be loved right now, for all that I am.”

Are there still moments I feel doubt, insecurity and frustration? Of course!! But, I am determined to be healthy in every way. Yes. I’ll  exercise and eat well. I’m equally determined to give as much or more attention to the other aspects of me – my mind and my spirit. And, I am determined to treat the body I have right now with love and celebration. I will decorate this body – as it is –  with beautiful clothing. I will take it out to live life joyfully with the friends and family I love so much. I can’t afford not to learn to do things differently. I don’t want my children to have to fight this battle all over again!

I will not wait until someday when I am perfect. Let’s face it. That ain’t happening anytime soon and I’m ok with that.

The real me today enjoying life as I am!

My message for you today…

How much longer are you going to be ruled by the scale, the magazine cover, your mother’s/brother’s/sister’s/father’s/grandma’s words in your head? When will you see yourself for the multi-faceted person that you are and love him or her completely? Are you going to wait till you lose that last ten pounds?  Buy that new wardrobe? Find the partner of your dreams? Finish your degree?

I have news for you. Those experiences might be valuable landmarks in your journey of life. But they won’t be the thing that brings you the love, the contentment and the feeling of belonging that you seek. Being skinny, rich or super-accomplished cannot do it. Your lover cannot do it. Your children cannot do it. Your friends cannot do it for you. Even God cannot MAKE you feel ok about yourself.

Your life is happening right now, while you worry about those things. It’s going to pass you by unless you choose to focus on what is truly important.

You are the only one who can choose to set free the beauty of the light already inside of you. You are the only one who can stoke the flame into a blaze that those around you need – to see their way.

I hope you’ll join me in letting the light inside you illumine the beauty of who you are now. Believe it is there every day and enjoy life – as you are – right now. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your kids!! I’m cheering for you!

With much love –

Monna, The Organic Mama

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