Facing Fear and Finding Joy

Life has a way of making us face our fears whether we want to or not. For those who don’t know, I had a life threatening miscarriage in February 2011. The surgeon who performed my emergency D&C said there is nothing wrong with me and encouraged me before I left the hospital to get pregnant as soon as I’d had a few normal cycles.

I was just so happy to be on my own two feet, I banished the discussion from my mind until later. Banished it because being cleared physically for pregnancy after miscarriage and being emotionally ready to become pregnant are two very different things.

After returning from the hospital, I took my time recovering, enjoying my children and doing some things for me that I wouldn’t have done were I still pregnant. I didn’t want to dwell on the possibility of pregnancy too much yet – until several weeks ago. That’s when I realized that after five months of studiously avoiding pregnancy, my husband and I had enjoyed a grand ole’ reunion with each other (he’d been gone for almost three weeks) for nearly a week – SMACK DAB in the middle of that week of the month.

You know what I’m sayin’.

Suddenly I had to face the strong likelihood that I was pregnant and I discovered, upon retrospection, I was terrified at the prospect. Flashbacks of blood soaked towels between my legs and the feeling of the bathroom floor as I lost consciousness haunted me. I did NOT want to go through that again!!!

I spent almost a week in that breathless, scared place before I could even test for pregnancy. Thankfully, my sister, a good friend and my strong husband were sounding boards for me as I carefully explained my feelings, hoping I didn’t sound too selfish. They encouraged me to face my fear and choose hope.

After letting myself freak out for those few days, I pulled myself together and decided to remember the lesson I learned in February when I realized I might not have come home at all.

Life is short. Live it!

There are no guarantees that life will go a certain way or that the end won’t come earlier than we planned. So, we should consider every breath we take a gift and be unafraid to take chances. I want to be the kind of person who faces down my fears and takes a leap of faith toward my dreams of having a larger family and being a courageous woman.

So, I took a leap. I lifted that little stick . I turned it over – and saw –

TWO PINK LINES.

Yep. It’s good news. While it might be better to wait to share because we’re not past the first trimester yet, I wanted to encourage those of you who have been where I have been this year. In a few weeks, I’ll be as far along as I was when I had my miscarriage and that carries with it an understandable stress. There is no guarantee that this baby will be ok but I am choosing to face my fear and find joy in this moment and this baby. Even though I’m feeling pretty nauseous.

It’s a good sign, right?

Please this if you know of someone who it might encourage.

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