If you’ve had a miscarriage before, you know about “The List”. After miscarrying a baby you’ve been dreaming of holding, it’s only normal to compile the list. On that list go all the things we worry might have contributed to our baby’s demise.
We compile the list because we wants answers and a way to avoid pain in the future. But the truth is, a lot of pregnancies end in the first trimester and even after because the baby isn’t developing properly. My pragmatic side accepts this truth but my “that was my baby!” side doesn’t accept it.
That side of me created this list.
1. I worked to exhaustion the week before I miscarried. I had a list of housework to complete and kept going till my feet couldn’t hold me anymore.
2. I ate too much Chocolate. ‘Cause of its caffeine-like affect on our bodies. On my list of things to do the weekend I had my miscarriage was making a huge chocolate cake from scratch. Not only was I worn out but I worried that eating this might have caused my miscarriage.
3. I carried my two year old in a backpack while hiking (yes, all in the same weekend). But, I was in the habit of hiking regularly (and carrying my daughters too).
These were the items on my immediate list. Of course, the list has another side as well. It’s where you list all the things you think should have told you this pregnancy might not be a healthy one.
I only had a few…
1. I didn’t feel as sick. The 15-18 weeks of my first two pregnancies were miserable because I was sick 24/7. I woke nauseous, spent the daylight hours wishing I could be asleep to escape it and went to bed nauseous. This time, I started feeling better around 10 weeks, which made me nervous.
2. I wasn’t as emotional/exhausted this time. My husband is a trooper and handles my crazy pregnancy mood swings very well. But, he even noticed that this time, I seemed my normal self.
I think every woman who has miscarried creates some version of the list. It is a normal part of the grieving process to look for answers.
But Mama, I hope you realize as I did, that you probably didn’t do anything to cause your miscarriage.
One thing that helped me to regain perspective and put the list behind me was to remember that moms in third world countries who have terrible diets have live babies.
Moms on crack have live babies (though often severely challenged).
If my baby didn’t make it through the first trimester despite my healthy diet and lifestyle habits, it probably wasn’t meant to be. Our womanly bodies are wiser than we recognize.
That doesn’t mean I won’t have a healthy baby in the future and that goes for you too. I decided to take the time to recover – physically, emotionally and spiritually. I cried when I needed to and I was silent when I wanted silence. I also made myself seek the company of others who reminded me that life is good.
Since I was pregnant 3 months, I gave my body at least three months to get back to normal. A pregnancy that ends in miscarriage takes as much out of us as a live birth and our bodies needs to recoup the reserves before we try again. I ate fresh, unprocessed foods, took my chinese herbs, prenatal vitamins (mainly because of the extreme blood loss) and exercised.
And, I trust that my body will carry a baby to term again when and if it’s time. I hope you trust yours too.
Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage
Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage
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Thank you so much for this post. I have my own version of this list and it’s hard to accept that these things just happen sometimes. I too found it important to take the time to grieve and have done my best to stay healthy and positive that my next pregnancy will be a successful one. My husband and I had many discussions before deciding to start to try again. One thing he didn’t even think about prior to my miscarriage and hemorrhage was the possibility that something could actually happen to me, not just the baby. We will have much more attentive care through the first trimester for our next pregnancy so hopefully the worry will diminish with time.
I’ve just found out that I am pregnant again, 4 months after my miscarriage. My friend gave me a good saying to hold on to during this pregnancy…pregnant until proven otherwise. I like it 🙂
Stacey – thanks for your comment. I never really thought about miscarriage and hemorrhage either until I experienced it. It certainly gave me pause to consider starting again! But, as the doc and my midwife says, it’s very rare and unlikely to happen again.
Congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy. I hope you enjoy it fully without fear! Love your friend’s saying. 🙂
I experienced a miscarriage between my son and daughter, and told myself many of the same things. Two of the red flags that stood out to me in hindsight were my lack of exhaustion/nausea, and absence of sore breasts, which were nearly unbearable with all of my other pregnancies. I miscarried much earlier, but was still shocked at the cavalier attitude of the doctors/nurses in the ER. One dr. in particular came to deliver the news of my ultrasound, saying, “Well, there is no longer evidence of an IUP (intrauterine pregnancy), but hey, have fun trying for the next one.” It took nearly a year for me to recover enough emtionally from the whole ordeal to feel equipped to face trying to get pregnant again.
Thank you for the great post! I remember going through the list and blaming myself and the person who was causing me extra stress at the time. But you’re right… Women who don’t make healthy choices (or are not able to) have babies every day. Thank for putting it in the right perspective for me! Luckily I was able to get pregnant again after taking the time to grieve and then taking the pressure off myself to get pregnant. My second pregnancy had a much better outcome!
Becca – so sorry you had a doctor who treated you so carelessly. Even without that it takes courage to try again. Looking forward to pictures of the latest. 🙂
Dawn – thanks for your comment. I am so happy to hear that your second pregnancy went better!
Thank you for this post. I miss carried at 7 weeks 2 days just last week. I've been numb, but your post helped me to cry. I too have both lists. I know my body knows best and I need to trust it. I realise now this is a process and it's going to be aing road but I am healthy and strong and will recover.
Aw Sinead sorry to hear it – hope you're ok babe xx
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Shin. For me too, it was such a relief to hear other women share their experiences and know I was not alone in my loss, my fears, my grief. That’s why I actually wrote a few more posts on healing from miscarriage. You will be surprised by joy one day. They are so closely tied. My prayers are with you and your loved ones.
This one might be a good post for you too. Sincerely – M