True Friendship – How to Help When Someone You Love is Grieving

When I was a young girl, there seemed to be a protocol for helping friends and acquaintances through times of loss – at least in my house. Despite being busy with five little girls, my mom was a true “there when you needed her” friend. If you had a baby, lost a loved one to death or were experiencing tough times, she was there. She rocked your baby while you napped, cut your hair for free, brought you a meal or helped clean your house.

As an adult, when my brother and then my parents became ill and died, the various families connected to us through my mom’s school and the two churches our family attended also surrounded us with love – and homemade meals.

In fact, we were at times nearly buried under the sheer quantity of meals people made for us. My mom’s fridge and huge freezer were filled to overflowing with gestures of love from people who had received the same love from her throughout her whole life. Those meals, lovingly prepared, represented love, support and prayers offered by friends and mere acquaintances.  It was – overwhelming.

Today, my heart is aching for several young friends whose parents and loved ones are ill and near death. One said goodbye to her dad this morning.

It reminds me of how I felt at that time. So today I want to share those things that most encouraged me in times of grief like my parents’ deaths or my miscarriage this year. Hopefully, these thoughts will give you practical things to do if you have a friend facing loss.

The time just after a profound loss is a time for gentle words of comfort and for practical love.

1. The most encouraging friends won’t try to “fix” grief.

There are no perfect words of comfort at a time like this. Religious platitudes (I say this as a person of deep faith) ring empty when your loved one departs this realm of existence. You’re not grieving because you have no hope. You grieve because you can no longer touch that dear face or hear his or her voice answer you. That physical absence is excruciating at first.

The most comforting friends realize this and simply say, “I am so sorry.”

When I have needed encouragement, those four little words meant more to me than any deeply spiritual quotes – because I knew my friends were truly in the moment with me, grieving my profound loss with me. I felt a kinship with them and a sense of solidarity.

2. Real friends keep showing up when you’re reeling from a loss and can sit in silence or listen if you feel up to talking. After my miscarriage this year, I had friends who just informed me they were coming over and only gave me the option of picking the flavor of tea they were bringing. I didn’t always know what I needed but it turns out companionship was it. I love them for it!

3. Practical love still comes in the form of a lovely meal offered in a disposable container. Times have changed and we have gotten busier. So, a meal really says you love your friend enough to take the time to cook. It offers physical comfort and nourishment. And, yes. I know it’s not very organic to use a disposable dish. But keeping track of and returning dishes is not something you need to mess with if you are grieving.

Call ahead to schedule your kind gesture and be sure to ask if there are any food allergies or aversions before planning the meal. And people, this is DEFINITELY a time to include dessert. It isn’t called “comfort food” for nothing!

A true friend is faithful in good times and painful times. It’s not always easy to be that kind of friend. It means we have to face our own fears about pain and loss.  It means there will likely be a period of time when our love and attention isn’t reciprocated because the recipient just doesn’t have the energy to give back. Grief is draining. It’s always easier to go out and hang with the living than to keep company with those who are facing death. But, being a true friend means you’ll have that kind of friend when it’s your turn to face those painful moments.

If you have a friend who is facing loss right now, take the time to connect with them. Don’t feel bad if you don’t have any pat answers. Just your presence in the form of the simple words “I’m sorry” or a home cooked meal will speak volumes.