It’s been 9 months since I had a life-threatening miscarriage due to hemorrhage in February 2011. At the time, I promised to share a little from time to time abo
ut healing after miscarriage. So here are some glimpses into the past – almost year.
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April 2011
My moon-cycle (period, monthly etc) started today. I’ve been feeling grumpy, bloated, snarly, feeling giant and everything that sometimes accompanies that time of the month. When I saw that red today, I felt raw and vulnerable. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant women. Even my four year old notices it. As we watched another family walk into the store with three kids she remarked sadly, “You know, I really wanted us to have three kids in our family, Mom.” I gulped and said, “Me too, baby. We still may.”
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May 2011
This month one of my dearest friends, who shared both my early pregnancy journeys, came for a visit from out of state. It was both healing and heartbreaking. I loved seeing our kids together, playing happily. As I held her youngest and third little one, I squeezed his sweet, chubby rolls close to me and breathed in his perfect baby scent. And my heart felt squeezed a little too as tears rolled down my cheeks without my permission. I couldn’t help but think about the baby I should have been heavy with by this point.
I don’t begrudge her the joy of her baby, of course. I just wish mine could be here too.
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June 2011
The “real” bills are starting to arrive regularly and the dollars are adding up. At first, it felt like insult added to injury. Not only did I not bring my baby home, a miscarriage cost more than a live birth! I’ve decided instead of dreading those little square envelopes, I’m going to say a little prayer of thanks every time I open one. After all, if it weren’t for the ambulance service, hospital and doctors who are sending bills, I wouldn’t be here to worry about paying them!
postscript: YES!! Due to our being on a single income, we discovered that not one but TWO of our largest bills were completely forgiven. I spent an afternoon in happy tears and feeling gratitude for unexpected blessings.
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July 2011
I find myself thinking of my little one more and more as my due date approaches. Was the baby a girl or a boy? It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. But seeing pregnant women who are just about the stage I would have been at this month sometimes brings a stab of pain to my heart. In my more tired, vulnerable moments, I find tears coming to my eyes.
But most of the time, I trust that my baby was just not meant to come for some reason. I am starting to recognize how different that pregnancy was from my first two. I wasn’t very sick – and I was wretched with my first two. I just felt different last time.
Fears about getting pregnant again definitely surfaced this month since I am at a point physically where I’m healthy enough to get pregnant. My cycle was regular within a month of the miscarriage but I wanted to build my system back up again after the severe blood loss. This month, I have to admit I’m completely back to myself. But, the thought of getting pregnant and possibly losing another baby or almost dying again really gives me pause. I spent about a week before my cycle was due reliving the experience, feeling that faintness and seeing blood everywhere. Maybe it’s kind of like PTSD?
Then, I reminded myself that one of the primary lessons I learned from almost not being here – was to BE HERE. I am determined to experience life to the fullest and not let fear hold me back. So, I put those thoughts out of my mind and decided I’d cross that bridge when I come to it.
August 2011 – November 2011
While I still miss my little one and always will, I am not morbidly depressed or constantly in mourning. This may be because I already have two children to keep me busy. I want to grieve in a healthy way but still stay engaged in life.
I am learning to speak of my baby – not only here but in “real” life too. I am open about admitting I have had a miscarriage when it is appropriate and I’m not afraid to stretch the realms of what is appropriate either. I hope that kind of honesty from me and others will open the door for us as parents, family and friends to mourn miscarriage loss as legitimately as the loss of loved ones we have had a chance to meet and love in person.
Lastly, most of you know that we are again expecting a little one sometime next year. I hope this encourages those of you who’ve had a miscarriage – whether or not it was as physically dramatic as mine. There IS life and hope after grief and loss!
Please keep commenting and sending me your stories. My hope is that women searching for hope and encouragement will find this blog and your comments and know they are not alone.
Recovering Physically from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage
Recovering Spiritually from Miscarriage & Hemorrhage
Please pass this on if you know of someone who it might encourage.
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I appreciate you being open and sharing these raw, real emotions. I hope they touch others who understand the ache you’ve experienced. Hugs.
Thank you for Letting us in to this deeply emotional part of your life. I miscarried at 11 weeks just at the end of October and have found fear to be setting in. Fear of getting pregnet, of not ever again. I find myself not knowing what to do as for the first time in six years I am not pregnant or nursing and I have never know this. I did see God’s faithful hand guild me throughout the whole process and take care of the smallest details. I have three other children and watching and helping them through their grief has need I think the hardest part. What can I say to a two year old or a four year old to let them know how sad I am too. Congratulations on the new little one, I pray for safety and health for the both of you.
Stephanie – I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I think it is normal to feel a little lost after what you’ve experienced. Give yourself time to just be you again for a while. It’s ok to be afraid – but don’t let it wrap itself around you. Acknowledge it and then remember that life is full of all kinds of risks. You will be ok again!!!
As far as what you tell your kids… I have never tried to hide my grief from the kids. If I feel sad, I cry – even if it is in front of them. I found that when I gave voice to those emotions, the pain subsided much more quickly. If the kids asked about it, I simply said, “I’m feeling sad about our baby who went to heaven.” They were able to understand that simple answer very well. Most importantly, they understand how to deal with grief in a healthy manner.
I’m no expert, but from my own experience it was PTSD. You have made so many good choices for yourself and your family. I admire your courage and persistence. All the best to you.