Why does parenting seem, at times, to bring out the worst in us? Why is it so hard to stay patient when we’re dealing with the people we love most in all the world? When they’re born, we can’t imagine ever being angry or annoyed with them. But when our kids arrive at a place somewhere between 2 and 2 1/2, a switch goes off in most moms. It’s the “What will people think of me when they see you acting this way?” switch.
I’ve been there too. I’m here daily. Kids have a knack for picking the most inopportune moments to pitch a fit or decide they’re not going to listen. I lose my cool and find myself communicating at a decibel level that cannot fairly be described as “speaking”. When I’m that upset, I’m not sure what I’m doing can really be described as communicating. In truth, I’m not sure what my kids can hear when I’m that upset!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and trying to figure out how to reset my approach to my kids. Here’s what I’ve observed.
1. I am a better parent when I get adequate sleep. Does it seem like I write about sleep a lot? That’s because since having kids, I don’t get enough. If I don’t sleep 7.5-8 hours of sleep a night, I’m not ok. You might think I’m functional at first glance but a deeper glance into my scowling eyes will convince you to WALK AWAY! I’m learning that getting enough sleep is truly my choice. It’s probably yours too.
2. I am a better parent when I take time to be “Monna”. Since I’ve been so nauseous during this pregnancy (as with my others), I’ve found it hard to go out for my weekly break alone. All work and no play make me a very dull girl! It’s essential to my mental health – and yours.
3. I’m a better parent when I get regular exercise. Do you feel like I harp on this? That’s ’cause I do! Exercise is great for the body AND the soul. Getting fresh air alone or with a friend restores our sense of perspective and physically moves stress out of our cells. More importantly, it imbues us with strength. What’s a little mess to a woman who’s just hiked a mountain or conquered the road cycling or running?
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Not-so-random-thought
Let me just break in a moment here and make an observation. Have you noticed that pregnancy is one of the only times in a woman’s life when we actually take care of ourselves? Our hormones FORCE us to listen to our needs. We get more sleep, eat regularly and generally take better care of ourselves because we know we must for our baby’s sake.
Yet, how much would we and our current family members benefit if we were to choose this daily? This is a must for moms & dads!
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4. I’m a better parent when I maintain my sense of humor and flexibility. I know, I know. Easier said than done, right? Prior to kids, I found it so much easier to keep a regular schedule and be on time. But last minute diaper changes, lost shoes and a two year old’s brilliant idea to unravel an entire roll of toilet paper just before it’s time to leave can unsettle even the best laid plans. I can be angry or be prepared for the diaper change, plan an earlier departure time (for next time) and leave the toilet paper on the floor till we return.
5. I’m a better parent when I’m consistent with my kids. I haven’t always been very good at this. At times it was because I was tired, distracted or just unsure of how to be consistent without resorting to disciplinary measures that I oppose, like spanking. My sister recently gave me some good advice when I confided that my previously compliant, if impishly precocious, Destructo Girl (2yo) had decided she didn’t need to obey me anymore (as in – ever!)
“Whatever discipline you choose, do it calmly and every time she doesn’t listen.”
I took her advice and it’s made a huge difference. I chose “time outs” and within two days, DG went from constantly bucking me to listening when I speak. I feel better and I think DG does too. I’m not saying we won’t face more challenges. But, when we do, I’ll be ready to follow up with her every time.
6. I’m a better parent when I choose not to be defined by my children’s behavior. Parenting is all about teaching children how to navigate all that life entails – including making mistakes in public! Allowing myself to be “embarrassed” when my child makes a bad choice or a mistake doesn’t benefit either of us and may waste a teachable moment. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids to live wisely and well.
I’m still learning how to make the best choices and I appreciate compassion over anger every time!
Apply appropriate discipline, then grab your little person and hug them. Reassure them (and yourself) that mistakes are normal and they’ll do better next time. Help them make a plan to be successful!
Since becoming a parent, I’ve realized that much of the discipline parenting requires is mine. Being a good parent isn’t just a 9-5 task, it’s 24/7. We don’t get to come home at night at take a break. When we’ve finished our “adult” day and feel ready to sit down and take a load off, our kids are about ready to melt down too and need our full attention. Taking care of ourselves so we can be disciplined enough to maintain a sense of humor, flexibility and consistency is no small task. But the truth is, applying that discipline to ourselves is the only way we can really teach it to our kids.
Good thing I got a great night’s sleep last night. I’m ready to work on it!
i love you. you never make me feel like a ‘what will people think of me.’ i am so glad to call you friend. and needed these reminders so so so much today. so much.
As I weeped over my lunch today, praying in my heart to God, He told me Monna would help. And you did. Thank you, my friend.
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Lani and Latisha – you are both wonderful mamas who I’m am grateful to know! We need to encourage each other through these times. They’re so precious, yet so hard at times!! Love you both. 🙂