OM Cafe Connects: Hope, A Survivor, Part 2

Read part one of Hope’s story.

Our interview.

1. What do you say to people who don’t think angry words are “real” abuse? After all, no one is hitting you.

People think abusive relationships are just physical, but its more then that. Men can abuse you verbally, emotionally and mentally. They abuse women by controlling them. Keeping them from friends and relatives, monitoring their every move.

The guy I was with was extremely controlling, he made sure I didn’t have guy friends. Even men who I’d known for years were not allowed. He controlled me financially. He paid for everything, including my son’s things. I soon felt like I couldn’t support myself or my son, when I could. He claimed to be a “minister” and wasn’t. Abusers will religion to keep women around, because God frowns on divorce.

Finally, broken bones heal, emotional scars are permanent.

2. How are you today? Have you been able to find a relationship that isn’t abusive?

I’m a lot better now then I was then. I’m not 100% better, I still have things that I need to work on, but I think for myself I won’t be completely healed.

I have found a man who isn’t abusive. I was timid for a few years. Survivors do lack trust. But, I was never doubtful when I met my fiance. It takes a while to get to that point.

I don’t speak for all women, everyone is different. But I do encourage women to seek some kind of help after being in an abusive relationship – counseling, support groups. Its so important to seek an objective opinion after being belittled and degraded for however long by a man you loved. A man who claimed to love you. That’s not a healthy relationship and learning the difference is important. So is learning what healthy boundaries are.

3. Were you able to support yourself financially after leaving? I know a lot of women worry about this one.

I know everyone and situation is different.

For me? I had family that helped, I was able to move back home with my parents. But, others it may not be safe to do that. You may have to hide money so when the time is right you can leave.

I know its not easy. You will struggle. But struggling is a lot better than losing your life.

If you have children? Yes. You do think about how you will support them if you leave. I did. But, I do know you can do it. You may not have a lot of money, but please consider your safety and your child’s. If you have friends that you know who can help, or family, ask! At least let them help you with a place to stay until you can get a place of your own. There are also women’s shelters are all over in each state. They help you with the basic needs. They help women find jobs if they don’t have one already.

I do know, your self worth and your life is so important, especially for your children. Its always easier said then done, believe me. But please don’t listen to these abusers who tell you, you won’t survive without them. It is a lie.

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