Why Don’t They Just Leave? A Psychologist’s Perspective on Victims of Domestic Violence

By Dr. Melissa Estavillo

A dear friend of mine recently asked if I would mind writing a brief blog post surrounding the topic of domestic violence and family abuse, and for a moment I was caught off guard by the request.

As a Clinical Psychologist, I am often asked to give brief interviews and posts surrounding various psychology topics, and most often, the requests are for something interesting and relatively easy to fix in a few simple steps.

However on most occasions when I bring up the complicating factor of domestic violence and abuse, the news anchor or radio show interviewer’s face often goes blank, they stumble over a few words…and that part of the interview is often edited out.

It’s important to note, I don’t believe that this occurs because people don’t want to acknowledge abuse, I think this happens because we don’t know how to wrap our minds around it.

Abuse does not make us feel safe, and the fact that it could happen to any one of us is a fear that is better left unacknowledged. But due to our desire to mitigate our fears, abuse has become (and remains) prolific. It is in this darkness that abuse and domestic violence grows and grows.

To begin, let’s take a moment to reflect on a few statistics around abuse:

• Over 1 in 3 women and children will be subject to or witness physical/emotional abuse in their home
• 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused in their lifetime
• 1 in 5 boys have been sexually abused in their lifetime

It is believed that the rate of sexual abuse is actually much higher as few victims report abuse. In some studies as little as 5% ever reported their abuse to a family member or law enforcement.

For individuals who have never experienced abuse, the question often arises – “Why would anyone allow this to occur?”

The conclusion is often that these must be weak, insecure people and that, if stronger, would have left the situation much sooner. And while I would agree that leaving and protecting oneself against abuse is always healthy and important…

It is just not that simple.

While many of us outside of the abuse have great clarity about these negative circumstances, abusers use their calculated intimidation, perpetual manipulation, harsh judgementalism and pervasive denial of responsibility to intimidate and confuse their victims. In time, what was once an incredibly confident, empowered person begins to experience chronic self-doubt, feelings of shame and interpersonal defect, and absolute powerlessness.

In abusive families, reality is difficult to discern. Steven Tracy, a specialist on domestic violence and abuse, once said, “Individuals experiencing abuse find it nearly impossible to trust their own perceptions and emotions. They feels as though they are going insane, even though most are quite sane, but are in insane family and insane circumstances.”

He further explains that often abuse is allowed to continue due to the family’s deceptively “healthy” facade. “The family’s shiny exterior belies a dark inner reality. Many abusive families were conventional to a fault. Most are churchgoing and financially stable; they maintain a facade of responsibility. They are for the most part unknown to mental health services, social agencies, or to the police. Because they conform to traditional family norms, their private disturbances were easily overlooked.”

While for many, information like this is quite unsettling…but I want to reiterate there is something you can do!

Domestic Violence research has shown that an individual’s recovery from abuse is most strongly correlated with how the first person they tell responds to their story.

When the first responder shows discomfort, is dismissing, or shaming, often individuals struggle greatly. However, when the first responder shows empathy, is encouraging, and highlights individual’s strength, often these victims feel empowered and recover from the hell that they experienced.

For those of you who have experienced abuse, you are not alone, you are not at fault, we are not ashamed of you, in fact we are proud of your strength and courage!

If you are in an abusive relationship, these Arizona resources can help you escape.

Outside of Arizona, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1- 800-787-3224.

If you are in danger, please use a safe computer that your abuser cannot access to view them.

Dr. Melissa Estavillo is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist specializing in Marriage Counseling, General Mental Health, and Medical Counseling. Dr. Estavillo currently has a practice in the Biltmore area and focuses on helping individuals grow, transform, and heal. You can contact her through her website at www.drestavillo.com.

Please help us break the silence about Domestic Violence and share this link. Someone you know needs this information. Silence is the enemy of the truth.

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Read More: A Story Of Strength: A Father Shares His Story of Surviving Domestic Violence.