All posts by Monna
This is the story of a woman I have known for over 15 years. We were married about the same time but then moved into different circles. Recently, we got in touch with each other again and I was heartbroken to learn her story.
I’ll warn you that these stories are graphic in nature and hard to read. I did not want my contributors to sugar coat them so you can see what life in an abusive relationship is really like.
By the way, in the interest of breaking down stereotypes about abuser and victims – This writer is white, employed, a responsible mother and has a loving family. Yet, she still found herself in a terrible relationship that almost cost her her life.
I won’t be sharing the names of any of survivors or abusers this month to protect their privacy and safety so they will all have pseudonyms.
Hope’s Story
I’m here to share my story regarding domestic violence. I was in an abusive marriage, for 4 years. I’ve been divorced from him for 8. We have a son together.
When people think about being abused, they think physical abuse or hitting. But, its a lot more then just that. My ex-husband used strangulation as his way of intimidating me, his way to control me. He was verbally abusive, along with emotional abuse. The first time he strangled me was a year after we got married. I never thought he would do that or hurt me like that.
When I was 8 months pregnant, he screamed at me for an hour, telling me he didn’t love me, he had never loved me while I curled up in a fetal position, sobbing.
He strangled me again after our son was born, grabbed my neck and shoved me into the refrigerator. I snatched up our son and went to our bedroom and locked the door. He kicked the door in and came towards me with his fist. I yelled to him I’m holding our son. He actually stopped.
Of course, he’s always sorry for what he did. He swore at me throughout our marriage. He called me “fuckin’ bitch”, “cunt”, “piece of shit”. He even our son to his face that I was a “piece of shit”. Children who hear the abuse and witness the abuse will mimic what they see. My son did to a “t”. He was one at the time he saw his dad do it too.
The third time he strangled me was after I found out the woman he had an affair with was pregnant. I was upset obviously, I said things out of anger. His way of disagreeing with me was trying to kill me. He used both hands this time. His mom tried to pull him off of me. All while our son watched. My thoughts were so clouded by abuse, I was more worried about him going to her than I was by what he did to me.
The next morning I went to church, my entire neck bruised all down to my chest. I wore a shirt that showed it, there was no way of hiding it. I talked to my friends, they noticed it. Not one friend or person asked, “Are you ok?” I was so hurt by that. I can understand their not knowing what to say, but the ones I’ve known forever? How could they let me walk away having seen that?
I eventually found the courage to divorce him.
After my divorce, I started dating a man from church. I thought he was the exact opposite of the man I married. He definitely had me believe that. Then he became extremely controlling.
He never got physical with me, but he controlled me with money and religion. He kept me from having guy friends, because he was sure I would cheat on him if I did. I wasn’t allowed to go out with my girl friends because I might cheat on him then too. If I did, they were from church and I had to tell him what all I did and with who.
It became worse. He started sleeping with other girls to punish me for talking to a guy. I had to prove how much I loved him. He would call my house phone, cell phone and leave a message. Over a two year period, we broke up twice.
I started seeing another guy but I was just looking for an out from my other relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I were on good terms until he found out I was pregnant. He became even more controlling. Especially since I was with another guy. He called non-stop, screaming at me and threatening me.
All I did was cry every day because of it. He made it very clear he would do anything to take it away from me. I told him I was going to go out of town, to think. I needed time away from everything. I told him to not call me. The moment I arrived at my destination, he started calling and texting – harassing me once again.
I came to a difficult decision, one I knew nobody would agree with or be happy about. I decided to get an abortion. I knew I could not bring a child into another unhealthy situation while I was going through a custody battle. I made my peace with God.
It hurts that the people at church who knew this situation took sides. I never thought this could happen in church. But it did. People I knew for years knew – and did nothing. In fact, they continued to be his friend.
I’ve learned so much out of all this. I’ve learned it’s not easy to leave. In my marriage, we had a child. You think, “How can I leave and take care of my child?” In my next relationship the man I was dating paid for everything. He made me believe I could not support my son without him. These men pray on the vulnerable. They know when you are in a vulnerable position.
It’s hard to end a normal relationship, because you love this person. But an abusive relationship? You still love that person regardless of the abuse, it doesn’t change it.
So many women feel shame, like its their fault because that’s all they’ve been told. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, especially with the second guy. But, I know in the end God has forgiven me.
I’m sharing this in the hopes that more people will be educated, know signs to look for.
Pastors need to talk about it so they can say this is not right. God would not allow this. This is a reason to leave. So many men use religion to control women. They know just the right Bible verses to use against them.
I don’t believe in the kind of God who would condone this.
Please share this post on your facebook page, pinterest, twitter, tumbler, wherever – and invite more voices into this conversation.
Read part one of Hope’s story.
Our interview.
1. What do you say to people who don’t think angry words are “real” abuse? After all, no one is hitting you.
People think abusive relationships are just physical, but its more then that. Men can abuse you verbally, emotionally and mentally. They abuse women by controlling them. Keeping them from friends and relatives, monitoring their every move.
The guy I was with was extremely controlling, he made sure I didn’t have guy friends. Even men who I’d known for years were not allowed. He controlled me financially. He paid for everything, including my son’s things. I soon felt like I couldn’t support myself or my son, when I could. He claimed to be a “minister” and wasn’t. Abusers will religion to keep women around, because God frowns on divorce.
Finally, broken bones heal, emotional scars are permanent.
2. How are you today? Have you been able to find a relationship that isn’t abusive?
I’m a lot better now then I was then. I’m not 100% better, I still have things that I need to work on, but I think for myself I won’t be completely healed.
I have found a man who isn’t abusive. I was timid for a few years. Survivors do lack trust. But, I was never doubtful when I met my fiance. It takes a while to get to that point.
I don’t speak for all women, everyone is different. But I do encourage women to seek some kind of help after being in an abusive relationship – counseling, support groups. Its so important to seek an objective opinion after being belittled and degraded for however long by a man you loved. A man who claimed to love you. That’s not a healthy relationship and learning the difference is important. So is learning what healthy boundaries are.
3. Were you able to support yourself financially after leaving? I know a lot of women worry about this one.
I know everyone and situation is different.
For me? I had family that helped, I was able to move back home with my parents. But, others it may not be safe to do that. You may have to hide money so when the time is right you can leave.
I know its not easy. You will struggle. But struggling is a lot better than losing your life.
If you have children? Yes. You do think about how you will support them if you leave. I did. But, I do know you can do it. You may not have a lot of money, but please consider your safety and your child’s. If you have friends that you know who can help, or family, ask! At least let them help you with a place to stay until you can get a place of your own. There are also women’s shelters are all over in each state. They help you with the basic needs. They help women find jobs if they don’t have one already.
I do know, your self worth and your life is so important, especially for your children. Its always easier said then done, believe me. But please don’t listen to these abusers who tell you, you won’t survive without them. It is a lie.
Please share this post on your facebook page, pinterest, twitter, tumbler, wherever – and invite more voices into this conversation.
A friend of mine wrote this in honor of her sister, a survivor.
It was young love and they totally ‘got’ each other
They both had so much promise
they both had so much talent
Passionate, funny and they just worked
They married and started their family
They were living the dream, but living well isn’t always easy
Money was a struggle, jobs sometimes were scarce
A couple of mouths to feed
Dreams to keep chasing
The tension sometimes mounted
Life was good and hard and intense…and then one strayed
When he failed he wounded her heart
it burned deep and dark
and things got rough
She was angry
He was angry
That canyon between them kept getting deeper, wider
Their communication grew more twisted and wounding
She wanted her family
he wanted his family
but things were all shattered now
He wanted his dreams back
but she was far from him
and he couldn’t control that
Angry bursts
Crippling words
Ruined furniture
Bullied Mommy
Terrified children
Before long she was fleeing and hiding
The little ones never wanted to see Daddy again because they saw what Daddy did to Mommy
They remember what Daddy did to them
Little children in shelters
Mommy scared to be found
scared that given the opportunity
the desperate threats
would become devastating reality
Running…. for a long time
Shamed and devastated for much longer
Wishing only scars remained to tell the story
But these have wounds never found the way to heal