My view of friendship has changed drastically over the years. In my twenties, I had several close friends I talked with daily or several times daily and many casual friends I saw regularly through church or work. In my youthful arrogance I wasn’t always very careful with those friendships, assuming my friends would be around when I got around to them. (Cringe.) I was busy – like everyone else around me. But for me, busy translated into unreturned phone calls and carelessly cancelled (or forgotten) appointments. (More cringing).
One of those carelessly treated friendships was one I made with the wife of a business colleague. She was about ten years older and I looked up to her – so much. She was a smart, accomplished woman. A chef and an entrepreneur, she chose to stay home with their two small preschoolers and produce extra income by day trading. We became friends when she opened her home and her world to me, introducing me to so much of what I am passionate about now – organic, sustainable living, frugality and hospitality.
I’m sorry to say that I repaid her hospitality badly. Part of it was ignorance on my part. I had no idea what motherhood at home was like. I had no idea what it meant for her to give up her business and move with her husband to a new state where she knew no one. I had no idea what postpartum hormones were like. I had no idea that someone I admired and looked up to so much might actually need me for a friend. Looking back, it’s one of the true regrets of my youth. She moved out of town and out of my life before I realized how my carelessness had hurt her.
The value of friendship has become increasingly clear to me because I’m now in her shoes. I, too, have felt the sting being treated carelessly or dropped entirely by a friend because they are just too busy for me.
After spending a full day home with little children, beloved as they are, I ache for the company of people who can discuss adult topics, speak without whining and wipe their own bums. If you’re home with your own, you know what I’m talking about! My schedule is not as flexible and when babysitters have to be found, it’s not as easy to schedule time out with friends. A cancellation can be a big disappointment.
Yet, life sometimes gets in the way of our being good friends to each other.
Or do we just let it?
The older I get, the more I think that the most challenging times in life – crazy schedules, to-do lists, major life issues like divorce, custody battles, birthing babies or watching loved ones die – are the times we need our friends the most. This isn’t a judgment. I have been through those times that make returning that phone call, email or text seem like an exhausting exercise. Connecting to other people – friends, neighbors, random strangers who stop at our table in a coffee shop – offer a break from the challenge, move us outside ourselves and remind us that life can and will go on in a positive way.
I have a new approach to handling friendships in busy times in tough times. And, you can hold me to it.
My new goal is to return the phone call, schedule the date and shoot a quick text back to a friend who’s contacted me. I’m also willing to take friendship as it comes – whether it is the daily call, an chance coffee shop meeting or twice-annual date. Life is too short to miss out on regular, genuine connections with those around me. In short, I’ve grown up a little and I want my friends to know that I genuinely love them and value their place in my life. I need the love, wisdom, compassion, objectivity and laughter they have to offer me. And, I think they might need it from me too.
Have you texted your friends today?
Be Connected. Be Engaged. Be Available.
