All posts by Monna

Today, I visited a coffee shop to eat this delicious brioche – and ended up with a lot more.

Being a stay at home mom is a financial sacrifice for many of us and it can even be a little scary sometimes, especially when unexpected bills pop up. Last year was like that for us. Rob was bitten by a brown recluse and required a few doctor visits. DGirl put a shell in her ear (why? WHY?) and required urgent care to extract it. Then I slammed my finger in our RV gate and nearly cut it off. So I have ER and surgeon’s bills now.

When stress is high and financial uncertainty looms, how does a girl with kids keep from freaking out besides deep breathing and a lot of prayer?

I’ll tell you how. She makes a pact with a near stranger to be back up in case of financial disaster. As in, if financial collapse strikes – I’ll take my family to live at her house and vice versa.

Really.

I’m not kidding.

And, I’m not crazy.

Well, maybe a little but it’s mostly the sleep deprivation. 😉

Here’s how it happened.

This morning as I grabbed a coffee at my local coffee shop before sitting down to write, I ran into a woman I met at the coffee shop a few years back and with whom I felt an instant connection. She’s brilliant, an engineer and a mother. We connect over coffee from time to time and she’s always a breath of fresh air but we’ve never tried to move our friendship past friendly and sometimes passionate coffee shop convos. She’s my “coffee shop friend”.

Today we caught up on our kids and talked about everything from fertility to Arizona’s foster care system. Then our conversation moved to education and then into something very different.

Some of the schools in our area are moving to a rigid, recess-free type of education. While many of the educators I know are horrified by this move, some parents (not all) applaud it. The thinking is that packing more “knowledge” into our children’s days will make them smarter and more likely to attend an Ivy League university and somehow secure their futures. (Oy. Another topic for another time.)

But the economy and job market have changed a lot in the past ten years. Financial security is a lie. Markets crash, jobs dissolve and the unexpected happens. What do you have left if your life doesn’t go as planned?

My coffee shop friend shared that there’s been a shift her own family’s life with regard to careers and income. Her husband’s income has gone down and hers has gone up. It wasn’t the career path either had expected.

Then she said something that struck a chord.

She said, “I don’t know what the future holds. A year from now, we might be in a one bedroom apartment or we might be in a mansion. Both seem equally possible. But what I do know is, my husband and I will love each other and be married. I do know our kids will be with us. I know I’ll come here and get my coffee and be part of this community.”

Her words resonated with me because they express my own heart. Ok, maybe not the part about having a mansion – but everything else.

I value above all else – my lover, our children and our connection to a larger community of both our family, friends and Phoenix. They are the people with whom we’ve chosen to share life.

I said as much to her. And I added,

“Rob and I joke that even if we had to live in a cardboard box, it would be ok because we’d be together.”

I don’t believe that would ever happen. We have friends and family here.

But her response took me by surprise.

She looked at me intently and said –

“You’ll never live in a box. If anything happens to you, you and your family have a home with me and mine.”

It wasn’t just an impulsive slip of the tongue. In a gesture of seriousness, she said, “Let’s make a pact right now. If anything ever happens to you, you have a home with me – and I will do the same for you. I’ll give you my number and you give me yours.”

And right then, we made a promise to each other that we meant. If she and her family are ever in need, I will be there for her. We moved our friendship past coffee shop friends to – something far more profound.

Think about it for a moment.

A near stranger at a coffee shop – genuinely offered me shelter and, in essence, hope should my family fall on hard times. Does that boggle your mind? Seem unreal?

There are so many times in the past that I’ve thought the problems in our world – violence, abuse, orphaned children, poverty – seem so overwhelming I haven’t believed that my actions can really change anything. But what would the world look like if each of us as individuals willing to put our resources at the disposal of one family in need?

I’ve come to believe this is the way we can really change the world. I may not be able to save everyone, everywhere. But I can make a difference within my small sphere of influence.

Not by the power of political policy or institutions, though they have their place, but by my determination to live a life of compassion, grace and generosity.

One person, one family, one coffee-shop-friend pact-making-relationship at a time.

To me, this is the meaning of community. That’s why I’m always encouraging the support of local businesses. People tend to create habits that result in meetings with strangers that lead to friendship and a sense of connection that doesn’t allow people to fall through the cracks.

Today, one less family has the chance to fall through the cracks if something goes wrong for them.

My coffee shop friend and I have finally moved our relationship to the next level.

What do you think? Do you have friends who have your back? How do you build those relationships?

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The last two months I’ve been pretty silent. There’s a reason for that.

My progression to introversion started when I highlighted Domestic Violence in October. I had no idea what an insidious, commonplace and powerful evil this is in our culture and how unwilling many of us are to hold the real culprits accountable for their actions. In truth, the subject had such a powerful impact on my life, I needed time to process everything that happened as a result. I intend to write more at a later time – and introduce some more voices on that subject this year. I’m nowhere near done talking about DV.

And, just as I was going to talk about it some more, I almost cut off my finger in our RV gate.

That was special.

Incidentally, DGirl “saved the day” for me that day – but finding my cell phone to call Daddy (our hero!) as I planted my bum on the asphalt of our parking lot and prayed that I wouldn’t pass out while we were waiting for Rob to get home.
(BTW, finger’s all healed and while I don’t think I’ve ever been ungrateful for my hands, there’s no way I’ll take them for granted after this!)

In November, Rob released his first solo album for a great cause and we had an awesome concert to celebrate.

After the concert, we started the lovely merry-go-round of illness that winter brings, with one after another of us being sick briefly. A week off, a week on with new illness hitting only some of us at times – right through the busiest part of our Christmas performance schedule. I cannot complain because we all recovered fairly quickly – but the duration and isolation was quite demoralizing.

Somewhere along the line, I threw myself a party. So, it wasn’t the fun kind with balloons and spiked punch. Nah.

Yeah, instead of a cool party, I threw the kind where you get to feel sorry for yourself while wondering if you’re ever gonna manage to put up the tree before Christmas (we did – the weekend before!), get the presents wrapped (we did – Christmas morning!) and if you’ll ever be able to find your bed under the mountain of clean laundry that has created an Everest like monument on the bed because it’s not yet folded. In short, I was in survival mode, and not the one where I was singing “I’m a survivor”.

More like, “It’s my party, I can cry if I want to”.

In retrospect, while I was feeling all bad for myself about my obvious incompetencies (ha!), I managed to get everything done anyway – even if it wasn’t the way I’d originally planned them.

Suddenly, my good sense returned and I realized I was being Ri-DICK-u-LOUS.

But in all honesty, I still felt pretty discouraged about some things I am struggling with in my life.

Things that I’ve chosen and am normally cool with…that is, until I’m so sleep deprived I start hallucinating. (Yes, I realize that’s WAAAAY too tired!)

We all feel that way sometimes. (the discouraged part – hopefully not the hallucinating!)

I decided to be honest and really vulnerable with a few friends who encouraged me.

I gave myself a deadline to stop moping around and then I gave myself –

a kick ass motivational speech.

That’s right.

I’m back.

Get outta the way, yo’!!!!

Whoa.

Got a little carried away with my bad self, there.

Well, it was a good speech. 😉

I’m about to share that motivational speech with you in the next few weeks.

So stay tuned, friends. I’m back and I can’t wait for us to catch up!

Yesterday, I wrote a post about the stupid questions people often ask mothers. It was meant to be funny and reassuring to mothers in general. Whether we work outside the home or not, motherhood is one of (or THE) most challenging/paradigm shifting experience many of us will ever face. Being responsible for the guidance another person is a profound responsibility.

Though most responses overwhelmingly positive, I received an immediate criticism. I debated approving it because the writer obviously didn’t read my post in the spirit in which it was written. From her comment, she appears to be a working mom who feels judged for working outside the home. I realized she was feeling something that so many working moms feel and I wanted to give her a chance to air her feelings too. Here’s what she said,

“First of all, I’m sorry you are asked ridiculous questions. Secondly, please don’t categorize all mothers who work outside of the home into the “see our children one hour a night and have killer wardrobes.” Many of us go without the extras, make our children a priority, but have to work. I am sorry you feel judged but please don’t cast judgement on others. Thanks.” – Crystal

Oh Crystal – Let me be clear. I started this blog to ENCOURAGE mamas in their parenting journey. Judging a mom for her choice to work (whether financially or otherwise necessitated), is not my thing. I always, always want to offer support, helpful information and a little humor in this parenting journey.

So, I’m not passing judgment on your position as a working mom. I’m not qualified to speak to what your choice should be in this area because I have not walked in your shoes! When I talked about a killer wardrobe and one hour a night with my kids, I was speaking of the job I formerly held and how it would have affected my parenting experience. My staying home is my choice and one I know not all moms have the freedom to make.

We moms have strongly opinions about what is BEST for our families. It’s easy to speak derisively about another person’s situation when we haven’t lived where they are. We all have unique financial, emotional, spiritual, relationship situations and there is no “one size fits all” solution.

Yet we like the “us vs. them” mentality. It makes us feel good to know we picked the “winning” side. If I’m with the “us” group, I feel accepted and justified in whatever I’m doing that the “us” crowd supports. A conversation I overheard at the park last week between two women illustrates this perfectly.

My eavesdropping was unintentional. I was 20 feet away but these two moms were so loud, I could hear them over the sounds of kids shouting and playing. They were speaking about another mother.

Mom 1: “Her husband took a day off to help her with the kids. And she spent the day ‘blogging’.” (Ha! Was this convo about me?)

Mom 2: “That is NOT how I’d spend my day if my husband came home to help.”

Mom 1, heavy sarcasm: “Me either. Well, I guess that is why their relationship works. He doesn’t seem to mind.” (disbelieving shrug)

Both moms shook their heads in disgust then continued to talk about this other women for at least 10 more minutes, detailing her obviously misguided (to them) choices.

As I moved on to another part of the park with DGirl and Giant Baby, I pondered their conversation.

Parenting is such a minefield. We want to make the best choices for our children. So we research obsessively, talk with friends and become experts on our kids. We band together with those who agree with us. When faced with a mom who doesn’t subscribe to the parenting philosophy we’ve developed with such care, research and passion, we act like park moms and take out the competition.

This picture does not exemplify the practice of kindness that most of us strive to teach our children. Knowing as we do how much it hurts to be critiqued for our life choices, especially those that touch such a profoundly personal area, why do we do it to other moms who are struggling to do the same?

My personal belief is that being confronted with someone who doesn’t agree with our parenting decisions challenges our deeply held beliefs about parenting and brings us face to face with our own insecurities as parents.

That fear – “Am I doing it right?” bubbles up in the quiet of the night, when the kids are sleeping and we’re assessing how the day went. In my own personal daily recap to Rob, I frequently find myself lacking.

But rather than face that fear or deal with it in a healthy way, it’s easier to avoid or blast that mama whose choices don’t match ours.

Friends – we need to stop being our own worst enemies! We women are pros at cutting each other to shreds. Instead of using our unique power of feminine nurturing to heal and strengthen each other, we slash at and eat our sister mamas. We act like those park moms and we quote social, religious and scientific data points to justify our cannibalism.

There are pros and cons to all the choices we make as parents. No matter what we choose, there’s a tradeoff somewhere. My staying home is our family’s choice but the tradeoff is that we have a slim financial margin and I don’t get a break from my kids very often. Both of those things create stress that have the potential to affect  my relationship with Rob and with our kids. It also means we don’t do things that we can’t afford.

But, Robert and I are committed to each other and we work through those moments of stress. It’s a tradeoff we’re willing to make for now. The tradeoffs are different and just as real for parents who work outside the home.

As someone so wisely reminded me this morning, big parenting decisions like these are ones you make with the information you have at the moment and the situation you’re currently experiencing. When those inputs change – your decision may evolve as well.

Each family has to make the decision that is best for their family.

So my message today is –

Moms, dads, concerned family members… As long as we’re talking about attentive, non-abusive parents, we have the same goal here. We love our kids, we are doing the best we can with the information we have to love them, put food on the table and teach them what they need to know about life.

Instead of tearing each other apart, why not circle the wagons and support each other?

What would happen if instead of criticizing those whose opinions don’t align with ours, we chose to learn from them?

This week, I’m paying close attention to my words and actions. Am I encouraging other mamas in their journey to make wise choices about their families or am I at the park, gossiping about how I do it better?

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. Please share your comments below so other moms can benefit from your experience.

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