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Last night I had a chance to go shopping – by myself – so I went. I really needed some new clothes that don’t look like they’ve been pooped or spit up on (you know those oily spots?) or fingerprinted by loving hands. It’s not that I don’t love those precious little marks, but sometimes I want to wear something that says, “sexy, smart woman” not just “mom” – you know?

Since I’d received a generous gift card to a department store for my birthday, I decided to head there. But, here’s the thing… Due to stress/childbearing/laziness/happiness/exhaustion etc. and despite my organic lifestyle, I’ve added a few inches my waistline in the last several years. So, I have to head to the, um, VOLUPTUOUS girl section of the store. I started looking and as usual, was underwhelmed by the style offerings available. First, over half of the clothes in that section look like something my grandmother would have enjoyed wearing – in 1970 – if she’d been any bigger than a thimble. Then, there are the natural assumptions some “designers” make about fuller figured women.

Poor assumptions: 1. If you’re bigger, you have big breasts to match. (Not true of me – which means I need a seriously boosted bra or an amazing tailor). 2. If you’re bigger, you’re probably ashamed (or should be) of your body, so here’s a rather shapeless, giant, floral tent to cover it. Ok, this may not be entirely fair. There ARE some great, fashionable clothes available in fuller sizes – and I found some to try. But, overall, the boring/ugly/insulting offerings in full figured departments can demoralize a curvy gal before she even gets to the dressing room!

I made my way to the fitting room with a TON of clothing, determined to be open minded and to bring something new and cute home with me. As I got ready to try what I’d chosen, I could feel a critical spirit making her way into the room. You know the one. I stopped, knowing that she didn’t fit in with my new commitment to love me – now – as I am, not as I was or as I could be. I placed my hand on my heart and said a quick prayer, then smiled into the mirror and purposely looked for a few things I love about me. The smile crept from my lips to my eyes as I recognized a woman I really like. Me.

Then, I tried on some clothes. Some of them made me laugh, bringing back memories of really funny clothes shopping trips with my mom. Some of them went in the “Heck, No!” pile. But some of them looked great so I bought them.

This is a very personal experience – but I shared it because I don’t think I’m the only one who has to exorcise personal demons when shopping/or dressing/or showering/or having sex (YES – I said the S word!). I hope it will be an encouragement for all of us to find a person we love as we gaze into our mirrors – and that he or she will be the person we are right now, not who we were or who we hope to be someday. I hope it will be an encouragement for us to daily choose awareness, joy and love – with abandon.

By the way, I looked up voluptuous in the thesaurus. Here are a few of the synonyms I found.
“appealing, attractive, delightful, desirable, enticing, erotic, sensuous, sexy…”

I can live with that.

Today is my 35th birthday and it’s a particularly good birthday for me. I woke feeling joyful at the morning light streaming through my window onto the faces of my beautiful girls and husband. Then, I slipped from the bed and started the morning alone – hiking, reflecting on my life so far.

This year feels different for me. I think a lot of it has to do with a transformation that’s been taking place inside me for a while. I’ve wasted a lot of my life – years really – wishing for something I am not. I’m not saying I have not enjoyed my life. It has been amazing so far, filled with love and accomplishment.

I’ve had jobs I’ve loved and jobs I’ve hated. In them, I discovered that I love aviation, travel and that I’m really good at learning new things. I attended a university on a scholarship which allowed me to sing my way through school and still study what I enjoy most (stories about people — also known as History). In my latest job, I get to sing beautiful music – then stay home and play with my kids. In all these places, interesting and wonderful people from all over the world have contributed to my personal and professional growth.

I am LUCKY in love. Ten years ago this year, I married the one my soul loves. He is handsome, kind, SMART, talented, fun, loving, gentle – strong. My heart melts when I think about how he loves me. Our two precious girls fill my days with joy and laughter. My friends and family bless me with their love. I have a home in what I consider the most amazing country in the world. I am so fortunate. I frequently give thanks for these blessings.

But, for a long time, when I looked into the mirror, I didn’t see a happy, accomplished, beautiful friend- mother-lover. In a Puritanical fashion true to my upbringing, I saw only my failings and spent most of my time worrying about how to be a perfect version of me – thinner, more organized, quicker on my feet, less self-conscious. Of course, I imagined life would be even more fulfilling if I could somehow just be ‘perfect me’.

How did I get into the habit of wishing for a different version of myself? Maybe it was the way I was raised. Maybe it was mental laziness. Or maybe grief got the better of me for a while. Regardless, in worrying about the future, I lost the chance to bask in the light of the current moment.
Well, I’m done with wasting moments.

Today I’m giving myself a special birthday gift. From this moment on, I’m setting myself free to enjoy me as I am right now. I’m going to start each morning smiling with pleasure at the face I see in the mirror and loving every wrinkle, freckle and stretch mark I’ve earned. I don’t want to stop growing as a person but I will be content with who I am now and inhabit this moment – with my husband, girls, family and friends. I want my girls to grow up LOVING who they are, as they are, and they will learn that best from me.

I have a feeling this is the best birthday gift I’ll get this year.

This time of year, motherly duties get amped to a different level. There is a house to clean, laundry to wash, kids to manage, extra shopping to do, holiday cards to send, parties to attend (or throw), rehearsals and concerts to perform in or attend… That list could go on indefinitely. A lot of us cram activity into every corner of our calendar and drag our families along for the ride.

Instead of enjoying the events that should create positive memories for us, we can end up racing from one thing to the next – just hoping we’ll finish on time. I get grumpy, overwhelmed and stressed out by my normal list of things to do, never mind a holiday list! Usually, I find myself saying a lot of, “Wait a minute,” “Let me just finish this first,” or “Shhh…Just be quiet for a minute so I can think!” By the time the holiday arrives, the preparation leaves me feeling exhausted and anticlimactic.

This year, we made a resolution at our house. Instead of spending our holidays racing around or acquiring new stuff (after all, we just got RID of a bunch of stuff), we decided to buy fewer presents – like two small gifts per child – and focus more on making little memories with our kids, enjoying each moment as it comes! We baked cookies, drove around looking for Christmas lights and picked out and decorated the tree – together. So, we broke more than one treasured ornament because my three year old is really fast and grabbed them before I could stop her. I wouldn’t trade one moment to get those ornaments back.   I don’t want to miss out on the fun the holidays are supposed to be because I was too busy planning for them to enjoy my kids, friends and family. Today is the day to start enjoying every minute of life!

Happy Holidays, friends. May you stop and breathe – and be grateful for the love surrounding you!