Category Archives: Spirit

It’s been a while since I posted. For some reason, when summer arrived this year, I found myself in a place where regular blogging became impossible or maybe just too exhausting. We started our summer with a lovely trip to Colorado and helping some friends out with their hobby farm. But, then, things got crazy when my husband spent two weeks playing music at two different youth camps. When he returned home, he spent another week in the studio. For those unfamiliar with music life, this means he worked his day job, then went straight to the studio till 1 or 2 in the morning. I don’t know how he kept up that schedule because just being home with two girls, 24/7 for three weeks straight exhausted me!

So, it’s no surprise I didn’t blog much at the beginning of the summer. As it progressed though, I got engrossed in the fun of swimming pools, hiking and playing with friends and family and making some significant personal changes (more on that later!). Today, I just wanted to say that I’m still here and I’ll be back to writing regularly and sharing some new adventures soon!

Sitting here at my computer after a day that seemed interminable,
teary toward the end.
The moon is waning and so is my energy,
my soul is tired.
It was a day when I would have loved to phone my mom and just hear her voice –
But she is not here in body.

So, I sit –
face covered in Earth,
sipping a nectar made of flowers
that came forth from the same womb which birthed me,
and my limbs begin to relax,
comforted by the thought that there is another Mother I can still touch,
one who offers physical comfort and rest when I need it most.

Thank you…

Give without Remembering. I saw this sign on the way home last night just as I was thinking about this very topic. Lately, I’ve had several opportunities to give something of myself  – time, encouragement or more tangible support – to another person when I knew it would not result in any kind of reciprocity.

Now, in my experience, this can be a tricky situation to navigate. Generally speaking, it’s good to give freely with no expectations. The major religions of the world teach that giving without expecting anything in return is a spiritual discipline. In the New Testament, Luke 6:35 “love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.” Matthew 6:3 says, “but when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” Now that’s hardcore.

But sometimes, it’s easy to slip into the role of the person who is always there for everyone else but who doesn’t take care of herself – especially as a parent. Many times, I have fallen into this latter category to the degree that I didn’t have any energy left to spend on taking care of myself, spiritually, physically or emotionally. Of course, after a while I learned that leaving so little for me meant I didn’t have anything left to give anyone else.

Just to clarify, I’m not putting myself up as some kind of saint who just worked herself to the bone for the rest of the world. But I am saying that learning when to give and learning when to step back and let someone else have a turn may also be a form of spiritual wisdom. So, right now, I’m learning about how to balance this practice in my own life. I think that’s why I’ve had opportunities lately to choose when I can give and when I have to step back and be sure I’m refilling my own spiritual, physical and emotional energy tank.

Anyone else struggle with this?

Last night I had a chance to go shopping – by myself – so I went. I really needed some new clothes that don’t look like they’ve been pooped or spit up on (you know those oily spots?) or fingerprinted by loving hands. It’s not that I don’t love those precious little marks, but sometimes I want to wear something that says, “sexy, smart woman” not just “mom” – you know?

Since I’d received a generous gift card to a department store for my birthday, I decided to head there. But, here’s the thing… Due to stress/childbearing/laziness/happiness/exhaustion etc. and despite my organic lifestyle, I’ve added a few inches my waistline in the last several years. So, I have to head to the, um, VOLUPTUOUS girl section of the store. I started looking and as usual, was underwhelmed by the style offerings available. First, over half of the clothes in that section look like something my grandmother would have enjoyed wearing – in 1970 – if she’d been any bigger than a thimble. Then, there are the natural assumptions some “designers” make about fuller figured women.

Poor assumptions: 1. If you’re bigger, you have big breasts to match. (Not true of me – which means I need a seriously boosted bra or an amazing tailor). 2. If you’re bigger, you’re probably ashamed (or should be) of your body, so here’s a rather shapeless, giant, floral tent to cover it. Ok, this may not be entirely fair. There ARE some great, fashionable clothes available in fuller sizes – and I found some to try. But, overall, the boring/ugly/insulting offerings in full figured departments can demoralize a curvy gal before she even gets to the dressing room!

I made my way to the fitting room with a TON of clothing, determined to be open minded and to bring something new and cute home with me. As I got ready to try what I’d chosen, I could feel a critical spirit making her way into the room. You know the one. I stopped, knowing that she didn’t fit in with my new commitment to love me – now – as I am, not as I was or as I could be. I placed my hand on my heart and said a quick prayer, then smiled into the mirror and purposely looked for a few things I love about me. The smile crept from my lips to my eyes as I recognized a woman I really like. Me.

Then, I tried on some clothes. Some of them made me laugh, bringing back memories of really funny clothes shopping trips with my mom. Some of them went in the “Heck, No!” pile. But some of them looked great so I bought them.

This is a very personal experience – but I shared it because I don’t think I’m the only one who has to exorcise personal demons when shopping/or dressing/or showering/or having sex (YES – I said the S word!). I hope it will be an encouragement for all of us to find a person we love as we gaze into our mirrors – and that he or she will be the person we are right now, not who we were or who we hope to be someday. I hope it will be an encouragement for us to daily choose awareness, joy and love – with abandon.

By the way, I looked up voluptuous in the thesaurus. Here are a few of the synonyms I found.
“appealing, attractive, delightful, desirable, enticing, erotic, sensuous, sexy…”

I can live with that.