Category Archives: Honest Mothering

More than once, I’ve been told Destructo Girl (2 years old) has a very active guardian angel and last night, she proved it once again. We had a long day running errands and being out in the heat, so after dinner everyone was pretty worn out. By the time the kids were down for bed, Rob and I were ready to relax – alone.

But a few minutes after we put the kids in bed, Rob went upstairs to investigate a noise. As he headed up the stairs, I heard a breaker pop in the kitchen and the lights went out (in our old house, the kitchen electricity and upstairs bedroom are on the same breaker). I heard Rob exclaim loudly and call for me so I ran upstairs.

He said that he’d found Destructo Girl sitting in front of the nightlight, looking stunned. She said, “My arm hurts, Daddy.” He checked her over and found a nickel in her hand. When he questioned her, she showed him that she’d been sliding the nickel behind the nightlight between the plug and the outlet. She interrupted the current enough to give herself a good charge. Thankfully, the breaker worked and the power shut off before she could do any real damage. The outlet was black from the charge.

The infamous coin. It's going in her scrapbook!

After I stopped hyperventilating (usually I’m so good in a crisis!!), I gave my little DG a very STERN talking to about not touching outlets and promised dire consequences if she does so again. I reminded her again when she woke this morning. (I found myself waking every few hours last night to check her).

Lessons learned…We decided the girls will now sleep without a nightlight and we won’t be keeping their piggy banks in the room where they sleep. AND the plastic outlet covers are going back over all outlets.

I’m so glad my little Destructo Girl is ok but I’m hoping she’ll refrain from any more crazy shenanigans today so my blood pressure can go back to normal!

Some days we all need a little boost of encouragement. I had one of those mornings today. We’re returning from the heat of Phoenix after a brief reprieve in beautiful Sedona. I admit to feeling a bit depressed at the thought of facing 100+ temps and the absence of trees and water everywhere. Instead of being morose, I tried to get lost in the laughter of my girls as they enjoyed a last bit of play before going home.

Enter my two little muffins and a simple phrase that adjusted my attitude.

“May we have some water please, mom?”

I know it may seem strange that this is what encouraged me but hear me out. My girls love water. They have rarely had much else to drink besides delicious fresh goat milk or herbal infusions so they don’t even think to ask for juice or soda unless we’re at a party. And then, they’re used to hearing one word from me.

“No.”

“No” is not always an easy word to say when it comes to nutritious choices for our kids. There were many times when I first became a mom when I caved because I was just tired of fighting not only my daughter but also the adults who were less than supportive of our food choices.

Something happened somewhere along the line and I claimed my authority as a mom. It might have been after a party where I found myself alone and unable to keep track of an active 1 1/2 year old and four year old who was being plied with sugary drinks, cakes and candy at a family party. The after-effects of sugar on the uninitiated was not a pretty sight! After her tantrum, my four year old said, “Mom, you’re right. That was too much sugar. I never want to feel like that again!”

After that, I learned to answer those people who pressured me with comments like, “Mooonnnaaaa, it’s a party!” respectfully but firmly. When my daughter goes to a family party where a well-meaning attendee cuts a gigantic slab of cake for her, I pare it down to a size that won’t result in a gigantic meltdown afterward.

I still hear frequent critiques of Rob’s and my choices to fill our kids with healthier food but I don’t care anymore. They’re our kids and we need to make choices we think are best for them. Our girls don’t feel like they live a life of deprivation. They still get treats but they’re usually high quality, made with the best ingredients. They are learning to make good choices about food on their own. It helps that we actually explain why we make the choices we do about food and encourage our girls to garden, shop and cook with us. They feel like they are part of the process.

Recently my sister reported that on a special “date” they had at the movies, my oldest daughter (who is five), turned down soda even when my sister said, “But it’s a special occasion. It’ll be ok this once.” My daughter answered, “No thanks. Our family doesn’t drink soda.”

“YES!!!!”

If you’re having trouble saying “No.”  because you’re discouraged by lack of support or by the possibility your kids might rebel, do it anyway. Enlist your kids to be part of whatever change you’re making. They might resist at first, but your courage, love and persistence will win them. More importantly, you’ll gain confidence from saying “No” to the adults who will learn to respect your decisions as a parent.

Go for it. Just say, “No”!

As I took in the responses, I noticed a pattern. Several moms shared their own feelings of insecurity about giving gifts to their peers or to their children’s peers in a public setting.  I began to realize that this concern about giving an appropriate gift might be more related to our insecurities about “fitting in” as adults and being validated in our choices than it was about our kids’ feelings regarding gifts.

I recognized this, partly, thanks to an antagonist who wrote me a strongly worded email expressing her frank opposition. Her email started similarly to the above message but also shared her concern that doing things too far out of the norm (like not serving hot dogs or not opening gifts at a party) would make my daughter’s party so weird her friends wouldn’t want to come again and that her social life could be permanently skewed (at age 5!). The author finished by saying that it’s really important for kids to “fit in” with their friends at this stage in life.

Those of you who have known me for a while may have started chuckling as you read that last sentence. ‘Cause, you know, I’m just known for doing whatever is necessary to fit into the crowd. Hahaha!! 

It is my highest goal and full intention as a mother to teach my children the opposite of “fitting in”. I pray and hope they will learn to live their lives according to their consciences and our family’s belief system regardless of how far out of the norm that puts them. I don’t want my children to feel they need to mute who they are or what they believe just so they can “fit in”.  

No way.

We are intentionally raising our daughters to be confident, EXTRA-ordinary women who are comfortable in their own skin and in their ability to make wise choices, even if those choices rock the boat a bit. I only hope they will learn to temper their strength with a grace, love and compassion that exceeds what I have shown at various times in my life.

That said, I don’t really think not choosing to open gifts at a party is that big of a “rock the boat” issue.  I mean, I just wanted to try something new because it seemed like it might be a good idea! So, why the strong reaction from both sides?

The truth is, I think the majority of us have been situations where we have felt insecure about whether or not our (or our child’s) gift was “good enough”. And friends, when I say a “majority” of parents, I’m counting myself.

Listening to fellow moms express their fears about whether or not their gift would be appreciated helped me recognize my own feelings of insecurity over whether or not what I have to offer is good enough. But the thing is, if the person receiving the gift loves you or me, they will appreciate our intention. And, regardless of their reaction, we should feel confident that we each have something precious to offer those we love. Fear of rejection should not guide our life decisions.

Which leads me to my final thoughts on this subject. When I realized that the conclusions I’d reached about not opening gifts at my daughter’s party might (!!!) just be more about my hangups than those of the children who would be attending the party, I decided to observe the kids at the party and make my decision based on their interactions not my own insecurities.

Here’s what I saw.

Watching the process gave me a new appreciation for my daughter and her ability to make her friends feel loved. And, it taught me a lesson in not projecting my own insecurities on my daughter.

There you have it. I still think it wouldn’t be a big deal not to open presents at a party, especially for a younger crowd (say, 2 or 3 and under). A friend who moved to New Orleans about three years ago says she’s only been to one party in that time where the birthday boy or girl opened gifts. But in this case, I learned a lesson about myself and being confident in who I am and the choices I make about my daughter. I want to make choices that are best for our family, whether or not they fit in with the norm. And, if I realize I am making an issue about something that may not be that big of a deal, I can change my mind without feeling like I’ve “lost face”.

Whew. That’s about enough philosophizing for me today. Tomorrow I’ll tell you about the party menu. It was AWESOME.

I love hearing your feedback. Keep it coming!

This weekend, we’re celebrating my oldest daughter’s fifth birthday party and we’re trying something new. In an effort to make the party about celebrating my daughter and teaching her to enjoy her friends, we won’t be opening any gifts at the party. Before you get up in arms about my poor daughter not having a real birthday, read the previous sentence again. I didn’t say she won’t be getting gifts (Sheesh! I’m not a monster!), just that we won’t be opening them at the party.
 
The idea not to open gifts at a kid’s birthday party comes from experience. Prior to having my own children, I went to several of my friends’ children’s parties as a guest. Having grown up in a large, very noisy family who loved to have huge parties, I was used to the noise and chaos of 25+ children running around in a bouncy toy hall. But, the “present” ritual attracted my attention. I noticed that at present time, the guest of honor was often too high on sugar and adrenaline to even know what they were opening, let alone appreciate it.

Possibly more importantly that the celebrant’s reaction, I noticed the reactions of the kids in attendance. Different social backgrounds determined what they were able to give and their reaction to gifts given by others. Some kids seemed oblivious to the whole process, usually those from higher income families for whom many presents are a given.  Others seemed more sensitive to the response of the birthday child to their gift (was it loved as much as another child’s?), exhibiting embarrassment over the gift they gave or jealousy over others’ gifts.

Apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way. Here’s Miss Manner’s opinion,  available at
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20291213

I continued to feel uncomfortable with this ritual after having kids but caved to pressure from family members who felt it would be rude not to open presents at a party. I didn’t know how exactly to communicate what I felt and I didn’t want to commit a social faux pas. But I couldn’t help but wondering what would happen if instead of opening presents as a major part of a party, we just saved those for a more private time when the birthday girl could enjoy them more?

Something has changed in me this year. I’m more gutsy. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s having faced one too many life altering experiences to care what other people think of my choices. My decision is to do things a little differently this year.

So, we’re not opening presents at my daughter’s party this year. Instead, we’ll focus on having a great time with the neighbors, family and friends who are coming to celebrate with us. Rather than presents, we’ll focus on good food, laughter and swimming. After every dreg of pink tea is enjoyed, every last ice cream cone cupcake is eaten and every guest has been sent home feeling special and loved, we will head indoors to open some presents. Then, we’ll work on thank you cards that our daughter can decorate and hand deliver – so the givers feel well-thanked.

We’ve talked about this with our daughter and she is ok with it right now though it will be interesting to see how she feels on Saturday. After all, she is five. But, parenting is a bit of an experiment most of the time isn’t it?

In the end, what I really want my daughter to learn is to love and to see the value of all her friends – regardless of the kind of gift they can afford to buy her. And, if it means she is “different” from her friends, she’ll learn to feel comfortable with standing up for how our family does yet another thing differently, like eating organic, not drinking juice and believing in a God who loves every person in our world. Just another character building experience. And, who knows, maybe it will be a new party tradition that will make everyone more comfortable in the end?

What do you think?

Have a great weekend, everyone!