Category Archives: Honest Mothering

Yesterday started just like any other beautiful day. My youngest woke, cheerful and smiling, then leaned over me to wake our four year old. I enjoyed the moment as they greeted each other with laughter. Then, my smallest looked up and said as clear as day, “Ceiling!” Twice. I was so proud. She’s really speaking so well – even using phrases! Then, she said it again – and squinted her eyes like she was looking at something. I glanced in that direction – and did a double take. She was looking at something. A BIG, yucky something crawling slowly down our wall. First cockroach of the season. UGH. (Big shudder!!)

And so our day began.

After the chaos and squeals of horror (the girls’ and mine) that ensued when I dispatched the nasty thing, we decided we’d all feel much better if we showered. Aaaah. We were soon dressed and ready for breakfast. Since my husband had to leave the house early, I was on my own getting everyone fed, dressed, packed and out of the house on time. I must have kicked myself into supermom mode because we weren’t rushed and I got to storytime (my Tuesday job) early. Despite the “ucky” start to my day, it went great!

The rest of the day moved between typical blips of normal busy-ness, stressed mom and moments of fun. Busy – trying to get my girls home so my youngest could take a morning nap – and missing my window of opportunity. Fun – laughter watching my girls play. Stress – because I made a ridiculously complicated lunch, knowing the cleanup would make getting out of the house on time tight. Busy – racing to clean up before leaving. Fun – watching my very unstressed four year old, SSLLLOOOWWWLLLYYY dance and sing her way to the car (when we needed to leave!). Irked (at myself) – when I realized we were running a few minutes late. Fun – watching my daughter and her friends make up their own dance moves to the music from Sharktales. By the time the day ended, we were all tired and I was ready for a break.

So, I planned to use my “night out” to work on my blog, surf sites I love and just veg at my favorite coffee shop. Instead, I impulsively called a friend from college. We’ve been trying to connect for a while but between small fry, work and life in general, we have had trouble finding time. Amazingly, she was free too – so instead of blogging, I shut off my computer and we visited for hours. And I’m so glad we did.

This friend is a one cool woman. She is intellectually stimulating, funny, optimistic, thoughtful, strong and compassionate.The kind of woman you want your daughters to know and emulate. The kind of person I want to know and emulate.

We had a great time. For me, conversations like this are so few and far between in these days occupied with diapers, cleaning, babies and routine.We stayed up late, relishing the intoxicating feeling of connecting with a person with whom we could each be completely honest. Though we talked long past my bedtime, when we parted with laughter and a hug, I felt refreshed and reminded of who I really am, not just what I do all day.

I guess I just wanted to capture this moment in writing and not take for granted how awesome it is to have a friend who can not only handle who I am, she actually loves me for it.

Friendship. What a rare and powerful gift.

Five for Friday

1. “Hey mom, remember that ring you told me I couldn’t have at the store last week?”, she said. Then, my nearly four year old showed me a little plastic ring – which we’d not purchased.
“Uh-huuuh.” Didn’t see that one coming. We talked about how taking things that are not ours is wrong and how it negatively affects the person from whom we steal. Then, we got into the car, drove to the store (a small resale shop here in town) and talked to the owner. Thankfully, she’s the mother of small children too – and was very gracious. My small one broke down a little but she returned the treasured ring and hopefully learned an important lesson.

2. After a few months of looking for the perfect table to fit in our small space, I FINALLY found one in our budget at a second hand store. It’s high quality – solidly built, the style I wanted and has cool built in extensions. I love finding the perfect deal, at the right price! Here’s the table.

3. I received a special shipment from one of my favorite companies this week, Mountain Rose Herbs. After doing a little research on different lotions and all the yucky chemicals that are in most of them, I looked for natural alternatives. Unfortunately, a lot of those are pretty expensive or they aren’t as natural as they claim. So, I started making my own. It’s cost effective, really easy and takes about 15 minutes, less than a trip to the store. I enjoy it so much that I do it for fun now. I bought some tea to drink while I’m at it.

4. My girls and I have been growing a little garden in large pots and in the flowerbeds on our small patio and it’s doing great. So far, we have carrots, spearmint, peppermint, chard, spinach, catnip (great for teething babies!), lavender, aloe vera, St. John’s Wort, garlic, moon and stars watermelon (heirloom), summer squash and tomatoes. The girls are learning about the importance of taking care of the earth that feeds them and they’re actually eating their greens – since they grew them. Pretty cool. We’ll see how our garden does in the summer when things get hot.

5. We’re clearing more “stuff” out of our house. Our small space is so easily overrun by the things we accumulate – even when we are careful. It’s so easy to hold on to stuff – “just in case” we need it someday. My husband and I have made a commitment to keep selling and giving away unused things that someone else might truly need. In the process, we’re retooling our definition of need. Having an uncluttered space and less things to care for gives us more time for what we really value – making connections with people. I’m frequently inspired to live more simply by another blogger named Sara Janssen. If you haven’t seen her blog, check it out. She is an amazing woman!

That’s all for today. Hope you are having a wonderful earth week!

***above – playdough sculpture starring Sleeping Beauty***

I have a friend who came to dinner every week for a while before he moved out of state. Every week, he’d ask me the same genuine question in his charming Southern drawl, “So, whatcha been up to?” I would laugh and answer, “The same thing every day.” Sometimes I’d try to think of something new or different I’d done. But then I started to wonder, “What am I doing with my days?” I’d thought I’d take a minute to write down an example of a typical day in the life of a mostly stay-at-home mom. Here’s what happened today.

We wake – late. After being up multiple times during the night with a teething toddler, we are exhausted. I wake when my toddler throws herself on me in a full body hug, looks straight into my eyes and smiles her sweetest smile, saying, “Good morning!” in her own special language. (YES, she DOES sleep with us!) We get ready as quickly as possible without stressing…(I’m really working on this!), feed and dress our girls, then drop them off with the babysitter. Then, I swing over to a local cafe where I tell stories to toddlers and preschoolers once a week. Amazingly, I arrive early. I finish the stories and then enjoy chatting with the moms about their kids, lives, experiences. I really enjoy this part of my week.

The real work begins. I return to the babysitter’s house, load the girls in the car in a steady downpour, then drive home. There, I coax my youngest to take a nap, change a load of laundry and race downstairs to hang with my oldest. We play Mulan. She drapes me with beads of “jade” for beauty, a pendant for balance (I wish I really had one of those!) and a cricket for good luck. She names each item ceremoniously and lifts my chin tenderly. As she gazes into my eyes, I feel the effervescent joy of knowing I’m still her favorite playmate. After we play for a while, I move on to surreptitiously weeding out the toybox and cleaning up around the house.

My toddler wakes after only an hour. This changes what I can accomplish in the remaining hour before we leave. I change her diaper and another load of laundry then re-dress both girls and myself. In the midst of this  to-do list, I break up two disagreements that turn physical and have a brief heart to heart with my oldest. Then, I quickly gather a few toys, craft items and snacks and re-fill my youngest’s bottle. Happy to be on time for our next appointment, I herd the girls toward the car.

We arrive at our next appointment on time. Yay! I trade babysitting duties one day each week with a friend. It’s been a lifesaver for me. I truly love her kids and my daughters have a great time with them.  Normally, we go outside and play games that entail a lot of running, hopefully ensuring a good night’s sleep for all. However, today it’s raining so our plans are a little different. When the sky clears briefly, we race outdoors and I distribute instruments so the kids can create their own “band”. They play happily, marching around, for a short time but the weather turns again so we make our way back indoors.

Craft & chaos. I suggest we make our own playdough and the kids agree excitedly. First, each one must use the toilet and wash his or her hands (one has to remind small people to do this). My friend’s oldest is the first to finish so he starts helping me measure flour, salt, color etc. while my toddler eats a snack in the booster chair.

Suddenly, we hear a shriek from the bathroom. I run in to find my oldest and her little girlfriend facing each other with some animosity. My friend’s daughter says, “A” (my daughter) threw water from the froggie potty on me!” My three year old daughter turns to me and counters, “I thought it would be funny!” Feeling grateful the potty contained only water, I stifle my laughter and gently correct one girl’s understanding of funny while cleaning up the other.

It all works out in the end. Eventually, with lots of giggles – and a small flour fight – we get the playdough made (only one batch ruined), enjoy a snack. Then the kids watch Dora, wrestle with each other and play on the computer while I do dishes and sweep the floor. When my friend’s husband arrives, we leave. We pick up our dad from work, get dinner and head home. Dad takes over and starts the bedtime routine because it’s my night to be “free”. Later, I’ll come home and climb into bed where I’ll snuggle with the people I love best.

This concludes a day in the life of a mostly stay-at-home mom. I realize that I have pretty much the same schedule every week – with the same people. When my friend asks me what I’ve been doing, I could respond with a laundry list (literally) of activities. But, when he asks me that question, what comes to mind isn’t what I’ve done, accomplished or acquired recently. Instead, in my mind glimmers sparkling memories I gather throughout each day in the form of the smiles, the laughter, the touches and the songs of my two precious little girls. I am awed by the reality that I am privileged to share my journey with two beautiful, brilliant little people (and one beautiful, brilliant big person) – and encourage each one through her/his own journey.

How exactly do I fit that into a two sentence reply? For now, I’ll keep laughing and giving the same answer but inside, I’ll enjoy the shimmering images of what really fills my days.

It seems like the troublesome threes have been less troublesome lately. Maybe I’m just getting a little more used to heading off or dealing with the challenging moments. When my little thespian decides to show me her dramatic acting chops, I often slow her down with a few words or just take the time to hold her. When I get frustrated, I talk to other mamas who believe in peace parenting – like Stacy over at Mama-Om. Her post about finding “The Good Place” has been a real encouragement. http://mama-om.blogspot.com/2009/07/good-place.html

Then, something happened this week that reminded me my daughter is definitely still three. My husband picked her up from a class while I was at work. When I arrived home, I discovered a band-aid on her shoulder, covering a full mouthed bite. Apparently a hard core Twilight fan attended preschool with her that morning. Some creative questioning revealed that the boy who bit my daughter had tried to play with her but she hadn’t – um – consented. He hadn’t bitten her first, he’d bitten her BACK. Ugh. This is a first!

We spent a little time talking about it and my daughter said she’d felt hurt when the little boy bit her. But when I asked if she was sorry and ready to apologize, her little chin hit the ceiling and she regarded me coolly from the corner of her eyes “No, I am NOT.”  We don’t force false apologies because we prefer they come from a sincere place, so I decided to address it when she’d had a chance to cool down a bit.

Later in the week, we visited a friend’s house where my daughter’s five year old cousin and several other kids (all boys) were playing in the yard when we arrived. She ran out happily to join them. After a few minutes, I noticed all the boys were playing in another part of the yard, but I couldn’t see her. I went out to check on her and found her standing alone, looking forlorn. Apparently an older boy had told her she wasn’t welcome. She was crushed. We resolved the conflict and another little boy took her under his care and they played happily till we went home.

The next morning, before she returned to her class, I asked her about this incident with her cousin and friends and how being left out had made her feel. “Sad” she answered. Then I asked how she thought the little boy who’d bitten her had felt when she would let him play with her. Looking chagrined, she said, “Sad, hurt.”

Encouraged by the progress we were making, I asked, “So, now that you understand how much it hurts to be left out (and bitten), are you ready to tell that little boy you’re sorry?” Once again, she employed the sly, corner of the eyes glance and said with a sweet smile, “Oh mom. I don’t think he’ll come to class today.”

“Um, O-k.” Maybe that didn’t go as well as I thought.

p.s. I did notify her Royal Highness, Princess Three Year Old that in future, she may bite FOOD but that any further people biting would result in her staying home from her beloved class for at least a day. That, at least, moved her enough not to bite anyone in the near future.