Category Archives: Parenting

Some days we all need a little boost of encouragement. I had one of those mornings today. We’re returning from the heat of Phoenix after a brief reprieve in beautiful Sedona. I admit to feeling a bit depressed at the thought of facing 100+ temps and the absence of trees and water everywhere. Instead of being morose, I tried to get lost in the laughter of my girls as they enjoyed a last bit of play before going home.

Enter my two little muffins and a simple phrase that adjusted my attitude.

“May we have some water please, mom?”

I know it may seem strange that this is what encouraged me but hear me out. My girls love water. They have rarely had much else to drink besides delicious fresh goat milk or herbal infusions so they don’t even think to ask for juice or soda unless we’re at a party. And then, they’re used to hearing one word from me.

“No.”

“No” is not always an easy word to say when it comes to nutritious choices for our kids. There were many times when I first became a mom when I caved because I was just tired of fighting not only my daughter but also the adults who were less than supportive of our food choices.

Something happened somewhere along the line and I claimed my authority as a mom. It might have been after a party where I found myself alone and unable to keep track of an active 1 1/2 year old and four year old who was being plied with sugary drinks, cakes and candy at a family party. The after-effects of sugar on the uninitiated was not a pretty sight! After her tantrum, my four year old said, “Mom, you’re right. That was too much sugar. I never want to feel like that again!”

After that, I learned to answer those people who pressured me with comments like, “Mooonnnaaaa, it’s a party!” respectfully but firmly. When my daughter goes to a family party where a well-meaning attendee cuts a gigantic slab of cake for her, I pare it down to a size that won’t result in a gigantic meltdown afterward.

I still hear frequent critiques of Rob’s and my choices to fill our kids with healthier food but I don’t care anymore. They’re our kids and we need to make choices we think are best for them. Our girls don’t feel like they live a life of deprivation. They still get treats but they’re usually high quality, made with the best ingredients. They are learning to make good choices about food on their own. It helps that we actually explain why we make the choices we do about food and encourage our girls to garden, shop and cook with us. They feel like they are part of the process.

Recently my sister reported that on a special “date” they had at the movies, my oldest daughter (who is five), turned down soda even when my sister said, “But it’s a special occasion. It’ll be ok this once.” My daughter answered, “No thanks. Our family doesn’t drink soda.”

“YES!!!!”

If you’re having trouble saying “No.”  because you’re discouraged by lack of support or by the possibility your kids might rebel, do it anyway. Enlist your kids to be part of whatever change you’re making. They might resist at first, but your courage, love and persistence will win them. More importantly, you’ll gain confidence from saying “No” to the adults who will learn to respect your decisions as a parent.

Go for it. Just say, “No”!

As I took in the responses, I noticed a pattern. Several moms shared their own feelings of insecurity about giving gifts to their peers or to their children’s peers in a public setting.  I began to realize that this concern about giving an appropriate gift might be more related to our insecurities about “fitting in” as adults and being validated in our choices than it was about our kids’ feelings regarding gifts.

I recognized this, partly, thanks to an antagonist who wrote me a strongly worded email expressing her frank opposition. Her email started similarly to the above message but also shared her concern that doing things too far out of the norm (like not serving hot dogs or not opening gifts at a party) would make my daughter’s party so weird her friends wouldn’t want to come again and that her social life could be permanently skewed (at age 5!). The author finished by saying that it’s really important for kids to “fit in” with their friends at this stage in life.

Those of you who have known me for a while may have started chuckling as you read that last sentence. ‘Cause, you know, I’m just known for doing whatever is necessary to fit into the crowd. Hahaha!! 

It is my highest goal and full intention as a mother to teach my children the opposite of “fitting in”. I pray and hope they will learn to live their lives according to their consciences and our family’s belief system regardless of how far out of the norm that puts them. I don’t want my children to feel they need to mute who they are or what they believe just so they can “fit in”.  

No way.

We are intentionally raising our daughters to be confident, EXTRA-ordinary women who are comfortable in their own skin and in their ability to make wise choices, even if those choices rock the boat a bit. I only hope they will learn to temper their strength with a grace, love and compassion that exceeds what I have shown at various times in my life.

That said, I don’t really think not choosing to open gifts at a party is that big of a “rock the boat” issue.  I mean, I just wanted to try something new because it seemed like it might be a good idea! So, why the strong reaction from both sides?

The truth is, I think the majority of us have been situations where we have felt insecure about whether or not our (or our child’s) gift was “good enough”. And friends, when I say a “majority” of parents, I’m counting myself.

Listening to fellow moms express their fears about whether or not their gift would be appreciated helped me recognize my own feelings of insecurity over whether or not what I have to offer is good enough. But the thing is, if the person receiving the gift loves you or me, they will appreciate our intention. And, regardless of their reaction, we should feel confident that we each have something precious to offer those we love. Fear of rejection should not guide our life decisions.

Which leads me to my final thoughts on this subject. When I realized that the conclusions I’d reached about not opening gifts at my daughter’s party might (!!!) just be more about my hangups than those of the children who would be attending the party, I decided to observe the kids at the party and make my decision based on their interactions not my own insecurities.

Here’s what I saw.

Watching the process gave me a new appreciation for my daughter and her ability to make her friends feel loved. And, it taught me a lesson in not projecting my own insecurities on my daughter.

There you have it. I still think it wouldn’t be a big deal not to open presents at a party, especially for a younger crowd (say, 2 or 3 and under). A friend who moved to New Orleans about three years ago says she’s only been to one party in that time where the birthday boy or girl opened gifts. But in this case, I learned a lesson about myself and being confident in who I am and the choices I make about my daughter. I want to make choices that are best for our family, whether or not they fit in with the norm. And, if I realize I am making an issue about something that may not be that big of a deal, I can change my mind without feeling like I’ve “lost face”.

Whew. That’s about enough philosophizing for me today. Tomorrow I’ll tell you about the party menu. It was AWESOME.

I love hearing your feedback. Keep it coming!

This weekend, we’re celebrating my oldest daughter’s fifth birthday party and we’re trying something new. In an effort to make the party about celebrating my daughter and teaching her to enjoy her friends, we won’t be opening any gifts at the party. Before you get up in arms about my poor daughter not having a real birthday, read the previous sentence again. I didn’t say she won’t be getting gifts (Sheesh! I’m not a monster!), just that we won’t be opening them at the party.
 
The idea not to open gifts at a kid’s birthday party comes from experience. Prior to having my own children, I went to several of my friends’ children’s parties as a guest. Having grown up in a large, very noisy family who loved to have huge parties, I was used to the noise and chaos of 25+ children running around in a bouncy toy hall. But, the “present” ritual attracted my attention. I noticed that at present time, the guest of honor was often too high on sugar and adrenaline to even know what they were opening, let alone appreciate it.

Possibly more importantly that the celebrant’s reaction, I noticed the reactions of the kids in attendance. Different social backgrounds determined what they were able to give and their reaction to gifts given by others. Some kids seemed oblivious to the whole process, usually those from higher income families for whom many presents are a given.  Others seemed more sensitive to the response of the birthday child to their gift (was it loved as much as another child’s?), exhibiting embarrassment over the gift they gave or jealousy over others’ gifts.

Apparently I’m not the only one who feels this way. Here’s Miss Manner’s opinion,  available at
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20291213

I continued to feel uncomfortable with this ritual after having kids but caved to pressure from family members who felt it would be rude not to open presents at a party. I didn’t know how exactly to communicate what I felt and I didn’t want to commit a social faux pas. But I couldn’t help but wondering what would happen if instead of opening presents as a major part of a party, we just saved those for a more private time when the birthday girl could enjoy them more?

Something has changed in me this year. I’m more gutsy. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s having faced one too many life altering experiences to care what other people think of my choices. My decision is to do things a little differently this year.

So, we’re not opening presents at my daughter’s party this year. Instead, we’ll focus on having a great time with the neighbors, family and friends who are coming to celebrate with us. Rather than presents, we’ll focus on good food, laughter and swimming. After every dreg of pink tea is enjoyed, every last ice cream cone cupcake is eaten and every guest has been sent home feeling special and loved, we will head indoors to open some presents. Then, we’ll work on thank you cards that our daughter can decorate and hand deliver – so the givers feel well-thanked.

We’ve talked about this with our daughter and she is ok with it right now though it will be interesting to see how she feels on Saturday. After all, she is five. But, parenting is a bit of an experiment most of the time isn’t it?

In the end, what I really want my daughter to learn is to love and to see the value of all her friends – regardless of the kind of gift they can afford to buy her. And, if it means she is “different” from her friends, she’ll learn to feel comfortable with standing up for how our family does yet another thing differently, like eating organic, not drinking juice and believing in a God who loves every person in our world. Just another character building experience. And, who knows, maybe it will be a new party tradition that will make everyone more comfortable in the end?

What do you think?

Have a great weekend, everyone!

The last few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind at our house as my two year old approaches the two and a half mark. Just as I was starting to relax because she’s not so tippy when climbing and she plays so well with her sister so I can get something done, she changes it all up on me! The last few days, I’ve been spending all my time chasing that kid around and creating new resolutions for how to keep her safe. I figured I should capture some of her adventures here before I forget them!

Since I don’t post pics of my kids on the blog, you’ll just have to imagine the personality of this little woman. Her darling chubby cheeks, expressive eyes, astounding vocabulary and self-possessed manner remind me very much of Shirley Temple. On the other hand, her determination, reckless risk taking and wacky sense of humor remind me of Margaret O’brien’s character, Tootie, in Meet Me In St Louis. Remember her? She’s kind of like a charming Tazmanian Devil. But her nickname (besides Destructo Girl – which my father-in-law protests) is Monkey.  Here’s a small window into what part of a day with her is like.

Monkey climbs into my bed around 4:30 am and we snuggle and sleep till she wakes around 7:30. She opens her eyes, makes several silly faces at me and says, “It’s morning time, Mommy!!” Me “Don’t you want to snuggle a little longer?” Monkey “Nope, Mama. Let’s have breakfast! How about porridge?”

Waiting for breakfast only results in crazed, wild Monkey so we head downstairs to breakfast. As I prep the food, I find myself hollaring, “Monkey, get off the table!” “Monkey, stop playing with my candle.”  “Monkey, QUIT hitting your sister!!!” By the time she reaches the breakfast table, she’s worked up a healthy appetite. She eats porridge, toast, an egg and some fruit. She wants yogurt too but I tell her to take a break. After eating she plays with big sis (the Princess) while I clean up the kitchen.

In the midst of playtime/cleanup, I see the girls coming down the hall together, giggling hysterically. In a seemingly impossible lack of acrobatic skill, Monkey slips and knocks her back against the corner of the wall. Big sister Princess looks at me, horrified. I reassure her the accident isn’t her fault and check out Monkey’s back. Great. A giant welt has instantly appeared. I apply arnica cream and we get dressed to leave the house.

In the car, we turn on the radio and Monkey asks, “Oh, is that Baby Gaga?” I laugh and answer, “Sort of.” Non-plussed, she remarks, “I like her. She has a good singing voice.” My oldest and I exchange amused smiles in the rear view mirror. We pass a Starbucks and Monkey says, “Oooo, Starbucks! How about a Whoopie Pie, Mom? Those are my favorite!!” I don’t know where she gets these ideas. Of course, I’ve NEVER given her Whoopie Pie. Well, maybe once. Or twice. Look, I’m desperate for distractions sometimes, people! But we don’t buy one today.

We visit Grandma’s house to tend our little garden and Monkey vaults out of her carseat. She races through the house looking for Gram (who isn’t home yet) and settles for the toybox. Since the house isn’t too large and fairly open, I take a moment to talk to my husband’s Aunt in the kitchen, keeping Monkey in the corner of my vision. Suddenly, I can’t see her so I run to the den where the other toys are stored. No Monkey. I run through the house calling her.

Then, I notice the front door isn’t fully latched. My heart lurches into my throat and I quickly call to my Aunt for help then race out front, calling Monkey. Within a minute, my aunt calls me. Monkey has been found, playing in Gram’s bathroom. It takes an hour for my heart rate to return to normal and about one second to make a new resolution. All outer doors must be latched at the top from this moment.

Later in the day, Grandpa takes “Monkey duty” and they play with the toys in the den while Gram and I chat in the living room. Within about 8 minutes I realize, it’s quiet. Too quiet. I call to my father-in-law who says Monkey is MIA.

???!!!

I go straight to the bathroom this time. Laughter and horror fill me at the sight that greets my eyes. Monkey is sitting on top of the bathroom counter (ah!) with her feet and part of her bootie in a full sink of water. Her diaper (not a swimmie) is about to burst and all gram’s special beauty creams are floating in the sink too. Thankfully, most are closed. As I step into the bathroom, I hear a squish and my feet are wet.

“Oh no! Monkey!!” I start throwing towels on the floor as fast as I can while my baby proudly says, “Hi Mama. Look what I did!” I wrap her in a towel and chastise her while cleaning up as fast as possible. Gram comes in about that time and helps me clean up the mess. I’m happy to say my inlaws have a sense of humor and most thankfully – that they don’t have a tub in their bathroom. We finish cleaning up before Grandpa sees the worst of it but his reaction is classic. “Ok. Monkey needs to be watched every moment from now on.”

Um, ok. Good idea.

Wait – who had her last???

The rest of the day isn’t much different minus any more missing incidents since we return to our much smaller (thank God!) townhouse. When I finally get my girls ready for bed a few hours later, my oldest asks. “Mom, are you going to go to bed at the same time as us tonight or later? I weigh the likelihood of getting a lot done without Monkey around to distract me (HIGH) against the realization that if tomorrow is anything like today, I’m going to need as much rest as possible (also HIGH).

Monkey says, “I want to sleep with you Mama.”

She looks at me sweetly out of the corner of her eye and gives me a guileless smile. The list of chores seems rather less important suddenly.

Then, I say, “I think I’ll go to bed now.” And I lie down, wrap my arms around a Monkey and a Princess and fall fast asleep.