Category Archives: Uncategorized

Oct 29
0

I Need Your Help

By | Uncategorized | No Comments

This month I expanded on my plan to open the conversation at the OM Cafe to more voices. This will continue to be part of the way I do things at Organic Mama Cafe in the future. Most of you who are regulars around here know that I love to learn new things and that I’m passionate about living life to the fullest – which means being involved in my community. This means I write a lot about how to build relationships in “real life” by shopping local and going to local events.

But, I also want this space to be a community. It’s a safe space to learn something new, laugh, cry or have respectful, meaningful discussions with people who may not share our opinions. Life is full of nuance and learning to be comfortable with that tension helps us to see the world in a fresh way, to grow as people and build healthy relationships that can lead to positive change in our culture.

To create the online community I envision, I am –

Seeking Wisdom…

I am passionate about seeking answers to “life’s persistent questions”.

Only, I don’t want to be the only voice speaking into this space.

So, I’ll find the people qualified to speak to the topics that interest me – and you – whether they are serious, fun or somewhere in the middle.

Living intentionally…

I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I live my life thoughtfully and intentionally and I know many of you do also.

This is a place to find resources to live that thoughtful life and ways to get involved in your community.

I want to offer practical ways for us to get back out into “real life”, refreshed and hopeful, ready to build relationships and make a difference for the better in our world.

Creating Community…

So many of us long to connect with others in a meaningful way. Despite an abundance of technology, we often feel disconnected from others and alone in our journey. No one else could possibly be feeling like we are.

That’s WHY I started this blog. I’m not your typical mommy blogger and I never will be. I’m not Martha Stewart and I’m not the Pioneer Woman. They’re awesome but I’m looking to offer you something different.

Envision this as a safe space where you can chill, grab a drink, talk about REAL life, learn something new and know you’re not alone.

Birth Week was my first venture into inviting participation on the blog and you responded by sharing your own experiences and encouraging each other in the comments.

This month’s emphasis on Domestic Violence continued the theme with even more writers and experts contributing. It was not an easy topic but so many of you shared in the conversation by breaking the silence and sharing the posts and even your own stories. I was humbled and inspired by your response!

So, I’m just getting started.

I have a million interests I’d like to tackle – and I will. 🙂

But, if this is going to be a space where other voices are heard, it should be a space that talks about the things YOU care about discussing.

So – I need your help.

What do YOU want to talk about in the OM Cafe?

This is it. My chance to write and LIVE my story.

And it’s a chance for you to write yours.

Join me. The floor is open to your input.

Share in the comments or email me (if you prefer to be anonymous).

And – subscribe. That way, you don’t miss anything. I promise to respect your privacy and only send you updates when you really need them.

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

 

 

Oct 26
0

Why Don’t They Just Leave? A Psychologist’s Perspective on Victims of Domestic Violence

By | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

By Dr. Melissa Estavillo

A dear friend of mine recently asked if I would mind writing a brief blog post surrounding the topic of domestic violence and family abuse, and for a moment I was caught off guard by the request.

As a Clinical Psychologist, I am often asked to give brief interviews and posts surrounding various psychology topics, and most often, the requests are for something interesting and relatively easy to fix in a few simple steps.

However on most occasions when I bring up the complicating factor of domestic violence and abuse, the news anchor or radio show interviewer’s face often goes blank, they stumble over a few words…and that part of the interview is often edited out.

It’s important to note, I don’t believe that this occurs because people don’t want to acknowledge abuse, I think this happens because we don’t know how to wrap our minds around it.

Abuse does not make us feel safe, and the fact that it could happen to any one of us is a fear that is better left unacknowledged. But due to our desire to mitigate our fears, abuse has become (and remains) prolific. It is in this darkness that abuse and domestic violence grows and grows.

To begin, let’s take a moment to reflect on a few statistics around abuse:

  • Over 1 in 3 women and children will be subject to or witness physical/emotional abuse in their home
  • 1 in 4 girls have been sexually abused in their lifetime
  • 1 in 5 boys have been sexually abused in their lifetime

It is believed that the rate of sexual abuse is actually much higher as few victims report abuse. In some studies as little as 5% ever reported their abuse to a family member or law enforcement.

For individuals who have never experienced abuse, the question often arises – “Why would anyone allow this to occur?”

The conclusion is often that these must be weak, insecure people and that, if stronger, would have left the situation much sooner. And while I would agree that leaving and protecting oneself against abuse is always healthy and important…

It is just not that simple.

While many of us outside of the abuse have great clarity about these negative circumstances, abusers use their calculated intimidation, perpetual manipulation, harsh judgementalism and pervasive denial of responsibility to intimidate and confuse their victims. In time, what was once an incredibly confident, empowered person begins to experience chronic self-doubt, feelings of shame and interpersonal defect, and absolute powerlessness.

In abusive families, reality is difficult to discern. Steven Tracy, a specialist on domestic violence and abuse, once said, “Individuals experiencing abuse find it nearly impossible to trust their own perceptions and emotions. They feels as though they are going insane, even though most are quite sane, but are in insane family and insane circumstances.”

He further explains that often abuse is allowed to continue due to the family’s deceptively “healthy” facade. “The family’s shiny exterior belies a dark inner reality. Many abusive families were conventional to a fault. Most are churchgoing and financially stable; they maintain a facade of responsibility. They are for the most part unknown to mental health services, social agencies, or to the police. Because they conform to traditional family norms, their private disturbances were easily overlooked.”

While for many, information like this is quite unsettling…but I want to reiterate there is something you can do!

Domestic Violence research has shown that an individual’s recovery from abuse is most strongly correlated with how the first person they tell responds to their story.

When the first responder shows discomfort, is dismissing, or shaming, often individuals struggle greatly. However, when the first responder shows empathy, is encouraging, and highlights individual’s strength, often these victims feel empowered and recover from the hell that they experienced.

For those of you who have experienced abuse, you are not alone, you are not at fault, we are not ashamed of you, in fact we are proud of your strength and courage!

If you are in an abusive relationship, these Arizona resources can help you escape.

Outside of Arizona, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1- 800-787-3224.

If you are in danger, please use a safe computer that your abuser cannot access to view them.

Dr. Melissa Estavillo is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist specializing in Marriage Counseling, General Mental Health, and Medical Counseling. Dr. Estavillo currently has a practice in the Biltmore area and focuses on helping individuals grow, transform, and heal. You can contact her through her website at www.drestavillo.com.

Please help us break the silence about Domestic Violence and share this link. Someone you know needs this information. Silence is the enemy of the truth.

Don’t miss this conversation. Sign up for email updates. It’s free and I won’t spam you.

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

 

Read More: A Story Of Strength: A Father Shares His Story of Surviving Domestic Violence.

Oct 25
0

Domestic Violence: A DV Detective’s Perspective

By | Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Today’s contributor is on the front lines of the fight against Domestic Violence. With nearly 9 years of experience as a DV detective in an Arizona law enforcement agency, she has firsthand experience dealing with both abusers and survivors. As someone who has handled thousands of DV cases, she can testify as an expert in DV and contributed to developing a cutting edge DV policy in her city. 

Today she explains the legal definition of DV a little more clearly and explains what victims can do to protect themselves and seek prosecution.

DV laws differ from state to state and city to city. Of course I am familiar with the laws of my city and state but…there will be different laws in different states. However, many states are similar. Many states have mandatory arrest laws and victimless prosecution for DV crimes.

Many people think of domestic violence as a crime itself that is a violent act against a person. However, “domestic violence” itself isn’t actually a crime (at least not in AZ), it is the umbrella law under which particular crimes fall if they happen within the context of certain relationships. Those relationships and crimes are defined under the domestic violence statute.

In AZ, the statute is Arizona Revised Statute 13-3601. Arizona has a large number of relationships that fall under the DV statute.

Some of those relationships are as follows (though this list is not comprehensive):

  • spouses
  • former spouses
  • children in common
  • live together
  • lived together in the past
  • intimate partners (whether or not they live together)
  • immediate family members
  • in-laws
  • grandparents

There are many crimes listed under the DV statute, not all of them being violent acts against a person or violent acts at all for that matter.

Here is an example of some of those crimes (Again, not a comprehensive list.):

  • Assault
  • Aggravated assault
  • Endangerment
  • Criminal damage
  • Trespassing
  • Burglary
  • Judicial interference (i.e. violating an order of protection)
  • Threatening and intimidating
  • Harassment
  • Stalking

What can victims document in DV cases to help with prosecution?

I can tell you this with certainty –

The most important element for prosecution in a DV case is the victim herself.  (Of course there can be male victims of DV but since an overwhelming majority of DV victims are female, I will generally use “her” or “she” when talking about them.)

Many states do have victimless prosecution. The caveat is that a majority of cases actually require the victim for prosecution because most DV happens in private and most often there are no witnesses.

If there are no witnesses to tell what happened and identify the suspect, then the victim has to testify. So even though the law allows for victimless prosecution, the State often doesn’t have enough evidence to move forward without her. Rules of evidence and hearsay exceptions do allow some 911 calls into evidence without requiring the person who made it to testify, but most often that simply isn’t enough.

What are practical examples of information needed to prosecute a DV case?

In the case of a criminal damage DV, for prosecution she must provide an estimate or repair bill (or something to show the value of the damaged item or property). Victims should provide this kind of evidence as soon as possible.

In case of assault:

  • Injuries often don’t show up until the next day. In those cases, the victim should contact police and let them know she now has visible injuries so those can be photographed and preserved as evidence.
  • If the injury requires medical care, be sure to let the detective know so those medical records can be obtained for evidence.
  • Victims should always be honest about how they obtained their injuries when medical staff asks!

So, the best thing a victim can do in a DV case to ensure prosecution is successful is…?

  1. Tell a complete story about what happened
  2. Remain in contact with the detective and prosecutor
  3. Follow-up on anything asked of them by the detective or prosecutor.

Cooperation and participation by the victim is imperative to successful prosecution. She should remain in contact with the detective and prosecutor then come to court to testify.

It sounds very basic and most people who have not been victims of DV would think showing up for court is a no-brainer, but I would estimate that no less than 90% of my victims do NOT show up for court or do not willingly participate in the process. And that may be a conservative estimate.

As a side note, victims should not be afraid to be honest about fighting back in self-defense when they are providing a statement to the officer about what happened. Many victims I talk to don’t want to tell me that part because they think fighting back makes them just as guilty of a crime. That can be the case sometimes but generally it is not.

If a woman gets slapped in the face and responds by shooting the person, I would say that is a bit much in terms of self-defense. But if she gets slapped and the attack is continuing, she is perfectly within her rights to hit back, scratch, pull hair, or do whatever she needs to to protect herself. She can escalate the level of force if her fighting back does not seem to be stopping the attack against her.

The key is being able to articulate the need to defend herself.

What is your advice to a victim who wants to escape?

Victims who want out need to tell someone what’s going on. There are shelters available for DV victims. Some cities have advocacy centers where victims can get help with finding a place to stay, free counseling, a free cell phone they can use to call 911, etc.

Many DV victims never report what is happening to them and thus, there is no one reaching out to them to help. The police, advocates, prosecutors, friends, family members, etc. can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. If a victim doesn’t want those close to her to know what’s going on, there is always help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1- 800-787-3224.  They connect victims to resources.

We’ll hear a little more from this law enforcement officer in another post.

*********************************************************************

From Monna – Think escape is impossible? 

You have options.

This law enforcement officer and others actively work to protect abuse survivors every day.

Don’t enable your abuser to continue to abuse.

Your life CAN be different. 

You are valuable! Here are resources to help you take the first step. Be sure the computer you’re using is safe and not being monitored by your abuser.

Every 3 days, someone in Arizona dies as a result of Domestic Violence.

1 in 4 women will face domestic violence in her lifetime. This means someone you know – is in danger and in need of this information. Please share the link via facebook, twitter, tumbler – wherever.

Let’s break the silence and the power of domestic violence – together!

Don’t miss any of the valuable info we’re learning this month in the OM Cafe. Subscribe. It’s free and I’ll always respect your privacy.

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